Back in the days BGS - Before the Giant Squid - Halloween was MINE! I bought a lot of candy, ate a lot of candy and reveled in my sugar high. My pantry was to-die-for. It was filled with GOOD stuff.
~ Sigh ~
Pausing here to reminisce...
My pantry was the size of a broom closet... Truthfully, it *was* a broom closet until I converted it to a pantry. I hung shelves and stocked each shelf with REAL food.
One shelf held blue Kraft boxes of macaroni and cheese - an absolutely beautiful sight.
Another held boxes of Cracker Jacks - ALL the prizes were MINE!
A third (and fourth) held boxes and boxes and boxes of TWINKIES! NIRVANA!
And...
The other three mini walls held shelves filled with CHOCOLATE bars.
There is nothing quite as comforting as shelves stacked with BUTTERFINGERS, THREE MUSKETEERS, SNICKERS, and MILKY WAY bars and... a few other delicacies.
The kitchen cabinets had food other people expect you to eat - no need to get into the details. This is Halloween, after all.
I fell off the wagon a few times and actually ate meat, chicken, fish and salads. I had three cats - Nina, Pinta, Santa Marie - and made oatmeal or eggs for their breakfasts so I had some, too.
Then the Giant Squid entered the picture and made noises about cat food for cats. The cats didn't know they were cats and I seriously considered never seeing the Giant Squid again. But he showed up with very large tins of tuna... won the cats over and let's face it. I wanted my cats to be happy so I married him.
Halloween happened a couple of months after we were married and I stocked up. Cowboy didn't understand why I didn't answer the door to the trick-or-treaters.
Ready for this?
He actually expected me to GIVE candy to the hobgoblins!
Give it away? Not in this lifetime, mister!
SWAT!
I tried to explain that Halloween is a time to stock up on candy and enjoy it. It is not a time to share.
SWAT!
The giant squid just shook his head at my explanation. This only confirmed my opinion that he was definitely spawned from Neanderthal stock.
SWAT!
He grabbed my bowl of candy and when the doorbell rang, held me back with one hand and gave out candy with the other!
It almost killed me.
I gave serious consideration to divorce.
However... he made up for it at Christmas.
Since that first *shared* Halloween, I have learned to purchase candy/gum/stuff I'm not crazy about and that's what I give out on Halloween.
When he was at sea, I reverted back to the good ol days... BGS.
SWAT!
I have to remember to write this when he's not looking over my shoulder...
SWAT!
All the little kids (and a few too old to be out trick-or-treating... 30-ish) love the giant squid. The little princesses always show off their pretty princess dresses or cowgirl outfits, etc. The boys posture in their baseball uniforms or Dracula fangs and capes. Neanderthal man morphs into Push-Over Pete and hands out CHOCOLATE bars!
~ Sigh ~ very very sad
I generally stand behind him in the doorway when he is committing this heinous act. That way, I can lean on him if I feel faint.
Last year, when the 30-ish lady trick-or-treaters ooooed and ahhhhed over the chocolate bars he handed out, I put my BARE arms around his waist and tucked a few fingertips beneath his belt.
He emitted a low growl.
I wanted to grab his yummy stick but there were a few too many little princesses on the doorstep.
So I goosed him instead.
The 30-ish crowd gasped.
Tsk. He's mine, after all.
When the generous chocolate donations were finally finished for the night and the door was closed, the giant squid yelled spanking threats as he chased me up the stairs and showed me his birthday suit costume.
Ohhhhhhh my. V-e-r-y nice.
When Halloween is over this year I plan to be equally creative and go as a naked nymph. I bet he gives me more than chocolate bars.
~Sar~
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Me & Rodney Dangerfield
Every year we have a Halloween party for adults. People in our neighborhood are invited as well as friends who live in other neighborhoods... no children at this affair. I put a doggie gate at the foot of the stairs and another at the top of the stairs so no one wanders through our bedrooms. The pups are behind the upstairs gate, which is a deterrent in itself.
SweetPea wouldn't mind mingling - the Rott likes to snoop in women's purses and steal tissues, keys, pocket calculators, etc. (We have a lost & found basket of things the pup has appropriated.)
"Sar, have you seen my keys?" MsHairUpHerAss asks whenever she leaves her purse in an accessible place... on the floor by the couch.
"Look in SweetPea's basket."
"Ohhhhh, there they are."
BullyBoy is generally distraught we're eating and drinking without him. If he hears someone open a beer can, he howls. I have tried to tell him Bull Mastiffs don't howl. Hounds howl, but he ignores me and howls/yodels anyway. Beer is sacred to him and Hell hath no fury like a 160 lb puppy upset that someone has chug-a-lugged one of his beers. Revenge is ugly. He'll slime you if he catches you.
"Sar, your dog drooled on my shoes!"
"Give him your beer and he'll leave you alone."
"How many has he had tonight?"
"Is he burping yet?"
I live in a nuthouse.
Everyone was told to come in costume.
"Are you going to be a pirate again, this year?" I asked the giant squid.
"Aye, me pretty," he arches a suggestive brow.
Tsk. I think he's too o-l-d to be swash buckling.
"What are you going to be? A fairy princess?"
A fairy princess? Puleeeeeeze!
"I'm going as a Ninja!"
"No, you're not," the Neanderthal said matter-of-factly like that was the end of the conversation.
"Of course, I am! David bought me one of those fancy schmancy swords and I've been practicing."
"I'm gonna kill that marine," the tall guy I live with grumbled. "And what in blazes were you going to slice with that sword?"
Anyone who has the nerve to eat my Butterfingers.
SWAT!
Tsk. Apparently, would-be pirates are also telepathic.
"We could have a sword fight," I tell him. "Pirates have swords or sabers or some such nonsense. I bet I'm better at it than you are."
SWAT!
Sheesh!
So-o-o we had our Halloween party. I went as a Ninja and that's only because I waited till Cowboy was downstairs greeting guests before I got dressed. That sword was tucked into a thingamajig at my waist. Whoa Nellie! That thing was heavy. Thought my pants would fall down. Cowboy thought they would too so he stayed near me in case he had to pull them back up.
No respect!
The party was a huge success. Periodically, BullyBoy let out a howl... Every time I saw someone reach for my Butterfingers, I arched a brow and put a hand on the sword... And... every time I did that, the pirate behind me growled a dire threat in my ears... something about ninja pants and warm tushes and "when I get my hands on you."
Tsk.
Everybody, including me, ate a lot of chocolate... candy, cupcakes, cake, and candy corn, tootsie rolls, taffy, chocolate covered this and that and drank a little wine. I was feeling a little queasy by the time the party was over but I'm sure it had nothing to do with what I ate. More than likely, it was watching all that CHOCOLATE being consumed by OTHER PEOPLE! It took huge restraint on my part not to howl like BullyBoy every time someone popped a chocolate treat in their mouths.
I HATE TO SHARE!
SWAT!
When it was over, BullyBoy immediately stuck his nose in the garbage to count the empty beer cans. He howled.
SweetPea chewed the candy corn that was left in a bowl on the coffee table and slimed the cats with it. (They'll be washing all night.)
I couldn't bear to look at the MOUNTAIN of candy wrappers next to the beer cans.
I bumped the pirate with the edge of my sword as we carried empty platters back into the kitchen and he remembered I was a ninja instead of a fairy princess and his couth-less-ness erupted faster than a surface-to-air missile.
Suddenly I was touching the ceiling when he yanked me up over his shoulder.
The man is a pagan. (Of course I mean that in a nice way.)
The ninja pants came down way too easily - sword dispatched to the floor - the pirate's hand descended at about the speed of Mach 5 and I yelled obscenities.
"Lily livered squid!"
SWAT!
"Shark bait!"
SWAT!
"Sissy sailor!"
SWAT!
"No more peach cobbler till you apologize!"
"No peach cobbler?" His hand paused. "I apologize."
SWAT!
Tsk. No respect.
~Sar~
P.S. After the party, we had a different kind of party. The pirate was very happy with his ninja girl.
SweetPea wouldn't mind mingling - the Rott likes to snoop in women's purses and steal tissues, keys, pocket calculators, etc. (We have a lost & found basket of things the pup has appropriated.)
"Sar, have you seen my keys?" MsHairUpHerAss asks whenever she leaves her purse in an accessible place... on the floor by the couch.
"Look in SweetPea's basket."
"Ohhhhh, there they are."
BullyBoy is generally distraught we're eating and drinking without him. If he hears someone open a beer can, he howls. I have tried to tell him Bull Mastiffs don't howl. Hounds howl, but he ignores me and howls/yodels anyway. Beer is sacred to him and Hell hath no fury like a 160 lb puppy upset that someone has chug-a-lugged one of his beers. Revenge is ugly. He'll slime you if he catches you.
"Sar, your dog drooled on my shoes!"
"Give him your beer and he'll leave you alone."
"How many has he had tonight?"
"Is he burping yet?"
I live in a nuthouse.
Everyone was told to come in costume.
"Are you going to be a pirate again, this year?" I asked the giant squid.
"Aye, me pretty," he arches a suggestive brow.
Tsk. I think he's too o-l-d to be swash buckling.
"What are you going to be? A fairy princess?"
A fairy princess? Puleeeeeeze!
"I'm going as a Ninja!"
"No, you're not," the Neanderthal said matter-of-factly like that was the end of the conversation.
"Of course, I am! David bought me one of those fancy schmancy swords and I've been practicing."
"I'm gonna kill that marine," the tall guy I live with grumbled. "And what in blazes were you going to slice with that sword?"
Anyone who has the nerve to eat my Butterfingers.
SWAT!
Tsk. Apparently, would-be pirates are also telepathic.
"We could have a sword fight," I tell him. "Pirates have swords or sabers or some such nonsense. I bet I'm better at it than you are."
SWAT!
Sheesh!
So-o-o we had our Halloween party. I went as a Ninja and that's only because I waited till Cowboy was downstairs greeting guests before I got dressed. That sword was tucked into a thingamajig at my waist. Whoa Nellie! That thing was heavy. Thought my pants would fall down. Cowboy thought they would too so he stayed near me in case he had to pull them back up.
No respect!
The party was a huge success. Periodically, BullyBoy let out a howl... Every time I saw someone reach for my Butterfingers, I arched a brow and put a hand on the sword... And... every time I did that, the pirate behind me growled a dire threat in my ears... something about ninja pants and warm tushes and "when I get my hands on you."
Tsk.
Everybody, including me, ate a lot of chocolate... candy, cupcakes, cake, and candy corn, tootsie rolls, taffy, chocolate covered this and that and drank a little wine. I was feeling a little queasy by the time the party was over but I'm sure it had nothing to do with what I ate. More than likely, it was watching all that CHOCOLATE being consumed by OTHER PEOPLE! It took huge restraint on my part not to howl like BullyBoy every time someone popped a chocolate treat in their mouths.
I HATE TO SHARE!
SWAT!
When it was over, BullyBoy immediately stuck his nose in the garbage to count the empty beer cans. He howled.
SweetPea chewed the candy corn that was left in a bowl on the coffee table and slimed the cats with it. (They'll be washing all night.)
I couldn't bear to look at the MOUNTAIN of candy wrappers next to the beer cans.
I bumped the pirate with the edge of my sword as we carried empty platters back into the kitchen and he remembered I was a ninja instead of a fairy princess and his couth-less-ness erupted faster than a surface-to-air missile.
Suddenly I was touching the ceiling when he yanked me up over his shoulder.
The man is a pagan. (Of course I mean that in a nice way.)
The ninja pants came down way too easily - sword dispatched to the floor - the pirate's hand descended at about the speed of Mach 5 and I yelled obscenities.
"Lily livered squid!"
SWAT!
"Shark bait!"
SWAT!
"Sissy sailor!"
SWAT!
"No more peach cobbler till you apologize!"
"No peach cobbler?" His hand paused. "I apologize."
SWAT!
Tsk. No respect.
~Sar~
P.S. After the party, we had a different kind of party. The pirate was very happy with his ninja girl.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Eating Green!
Got a bruise on my eye a few days ago. Not sure how it happened but it might have been when I was trying to teach the pups how to stand on their hind legs, one hand on my shoulder for balance and the other cupping my cheek. It's part of a performance we're giving at a children's hospital - the pup looking like he's leaning into me to tell me a secret. I have to stand against a wall when either of them lean on me for balance. SweetPea is 120 lbs and BullyBoy tops 160. The Rott is a quick learner and he can do the trick easily but the mastiff is a s-l-o-w learner. He'll master it but it's going to take a while.
Soooooooo, the squid went into work late and said he wouldn't be home before midnight and to eat something green with dinner...
I took a day off from work, played in the yard with the pups, went for a run IN THE RAIN and in general, had a wonderful day of leisure. We have a beautiful Katsura tree that has heart shaped leaves. The leaves turn gold and peach before they fall and the color show is just spectacular. It's starting to turn peachy right now and in a burst of joy, I hugged the trunk - as much as I could reach. Okay, go ahead. Call me one of those tree huggers.
Tsk.
The pups were so enamored that I was hugging a tree, they all lifted a leg and peed right on it.
Double tsk. I don't think I'll hug that one for a while.
For supper, I got several orders of fried wonton and plum sauce. The pups and I adore fried wonton and hate to share so when the squid is away, we indulge ourselves. We also had a big platter of ribs and lots of fried rice and fried noodles and shrimp with lobster sauce - so the cats could eat too - and then I remembered the squid said I should have something green with supper. We had lime sherbet for dessert.
The next morning I wake up with this presence behind me in bed... His arm is draped across my body... warm breath on my neck... I immediately try to remember if I put all the evidence of supper in the garbage...
I turn toward him. Kisses follow and then he grabs my face with both hands and frowns.
Oye!
"What's wrong with your eye?"
There's something wrong with my eye? I extract myself from the behemoth's paws and go look in the mirror.
Oh boy! My left eye is red like a knife sliced through it. It doesn't hurt but it looks like I got socked. Before I get back into the bedroom, the giant squid has already made an appointment for me with an ophthalmologist for the next morning.
While he drives I try to figure out how to get a pair of night vision goggles so I can look as goofy as the eye doc looks when he looks in my eyes. I ask the squid if I can borrow his. He says no. This man has no sense of humor at all.
We get to the base and the doc's assistant gets all nervous when she spies Cowboy in his dress blues with all the gold stripes on the cuffs. I take this opportunity to pop a few mini tootsie rolls in my mouth.
The eye doc looks like a gargoyle with his eye paraphernalia on his head but he's short, thin and friendly. I figure I can take him out if necessary.
He puts this contraption in front of my face and looks in my eyes. He wants to check if I can see. I have memorized all the charts so this is not a problem. But... he uses a computer to throw images of eye charts onto the wall and they're done at random. That is dirty pool. I wonder if he does that to everybody or if someone warned him about me. Hmmm.
Then he looks at the part of my eye that's red. He says it's a hemorrhage and that it's very common and not to worry because it didn't do any damage and will heal in a week or so. Whewwwwww. I dig into my bag and pop more tootsie rolls in my mouth. The smell of chocolate makes the doc nuts and he STEALS a couple of my tootsie rolls!
I complain.
The giant squid gives me one of those "looks."
The doc EATS MY chocolate!
"Next time I'm bringing the Rott with me," I tell the doc with zoom lenses growing out of his face.
"I love dogs," he says.
"My Rott is a shape shifter."
"That's okay," he says. "I'm really a vampire in disguise."
I KNEW IT! They're all related!
I have been so good... I tell Cowboy I deserve an award for being so good. He rolls his eyes.
Tsk. The man has no sensitivity at all. I remind him I was subjected to a dark room with a closet vampire who stole my chocolate. Surely, there should be some wonderful compensation for my troubles.
SWAT!
That's not what I had in mind.
But he did take me to a fast food establishment where I ate onion rings and drank strawberry milkshakes until I was stuffed.
My eye is much better and Cowboy is working late again. Tonight, I think the pups and I will have a mac and cheese orgy and GREEN Key Lime pie for dessert.
~Sar~
P.S. Just a friendly reminder... This is not the time to visit salad bars. Pass it on.
Soooooooo, the squid went into work late and said he wouldn't be home before midnight and to eat something green with dinner...
I took a day off from work, played in the yard with the pups, went for a run IN THE RAIN and in general, had a wonderful day of leisure. We have a beautiful Katsura tree that has heart shaped leaves. The leaves turn gold and peach before they fall and the color show is just spectacular. It's starting to turn peachy right now and in a burst of joy, I hugged the trunk - as much as I could reach. Okay, go ahead. Call me one of those tree huggers.
Tsk.
The pups were so enamored that I was hugging a tree, they all lifted a leg and peed right on it.
Double tsk. I don't think I'll hug that one for a while.
For supper, I got several orders of fried wonton and plum sauce. The pups and I adore fried wonton and hate to share so when the squid is away, we indulge ourselves. We also had a big platter of ribs and lots of fried rice and fried noodles and shrimp with lobster sauce - so the cats could eat too - and then I remembered the squid said I should have something green with supper. We had lime sherbet for dessert.
The next morning I wake up with this presence behind me in bed... His arm is draped across my body... warm breath on my neck... I immediately try to remember if I put all the evidence of supper in the garbage...
I turn toward him. Kisses follow and then he grabs my face with both hands and frowns.
Oye!
"What's wrong with your eye?"
There's something wrong with my eye? I extract myself from the behemoth's paws and go look in the mirror.
Oh boy! My left eye is red like a knife sliced through it. It doesn't hurt but it looks like I got socked. Before I get back into the bedroom, the giant squid has already made an appointment for me with an ophthalmologist for the next morning.
While he drives I try to figure out how to get a pair of night vision goggles so I can look as goofy as the eye doc looks when he looks in my eyes. I ask the squid if I can borrow his. He says no. This man has no sense of humor at all.
We get to the base and the doc's assistant gets all nervous when she spies Cowboy in his dress blues with all the gold stripes on the cuffs. I take this opportunity to pop a few mini tootsie rolls in my mouth.
The eye doc looks like a gargoyle with his eye paraphernalia on his head but he's short, thin and friendly. I figure I can take him out if necessary.
He puts this contraption in front of my face and looks in my eyes. He wants to check if I can see. I have memorized all the charts so this is not a problem. But... he uses a computer to throw images of eye charts onto the wall and they're done at random. That is dirty pool. I wonder if he does that to everybody or if someone warned him about me. Hmmm.
Then he looks at the part of my eye that's red. He says it's a hemorrhage and that it's very common and not to worry because it didn't do any damage and will heal in a week or so. Whewwwwww. I dig into my bag and pop more tootsie rolls in my mouth. The smell of chocolate makes the doc nuts and he STEALS a couple of my tootsie rolls!
I complain.
The giant squid gives me one of those "looks."
The doc EATS MY chocolate!
"Next time I'm bringing the Rott with me," I tell the doc with zoom lenses growing out of his face.
"I love dogs," he says.
"My Rott is a shape shifter."
"That's okay," he says. "I'm really a vampire in disguise."
I KNEW IT! They're all related!
I have been so good... I tell Cowboy I deserve an award for being so good. He rolls his eyes.
Tsk. The man has no sensitivity at all. I remind him I was subjected to a dark room with a closet vampire who stole my chocolate. Surely, there should be some wonderful compensation for my troubles.
SWAT!
That's not what I had in mind.
But he did take me to a fast food establishment where I ate onion rings and drank strawberry milkshakes until I was stuffed.
My eye is much better and Cowboy is working late again. Tonight, I think the pups and I will have a mac and cheese orgy and GREEN Key Lime pie for dessert.
~Sar~
P.S. Just a friendly reminder... This is not the time to visit salad bars. Pass it on.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Veggies can KILL you!
Is that the best news ever? First, it was spinach; now it's carrot juice. Carrot juice comes from carrots. Carrots grow in the ground. So do turnips...
Life can be such a treat sometimes.
"There are other veggies you can eat, imp."
Tsk. Did anyone else hear the voice of delusion?
SWAT!
Moving right along...
Taught a class at the university this week - 3 days, 12 students hands-on and about 20 in the audience watching. The 20 were on a waiting list allowed to watch and replace any of the hands-on students that had to leave for some reason or another. I noticed that some stopped watching what I was doing and watched my pups instead. Occasionally one of the pups did what dogs do in a most disgusting manner and in front of an audience no less! Totally lacking in couth. In that, they take after the giant squid.
Uh... not that the giant squid does those kinds of things in public... not in private either... nevertheless...
BAMBINA!
SWAT!
Tsk! Somehow I misstated that. Oh well...
The class was scheduled for 9 a.m. - 5 p.m. with a few breaks so I could take the dogs out and of course, all of us had to eat. When the clock struck 6 p.m. on day 1, I left them still asking questions and went home. I was so tired I went straight to bed. Cowboy woke me and made me eat something. The next day he dropped me off and said he'd pick me up at 5 p.m. so I could leave on time. He did and I napped the whole way home so I could be awake to eat dinner.
You're not going to believe this!
Ready?
The NEANDERTHAL ordered a VEGETARIAN pizza for our dinner! I literally collapsed. The pups came rushing over, glared and growled at the giant squid for his uncouthful behavior. SweetPea offered me his favorite "blankie." (The ferocious Rottweiler sleeps with a soft cloth doll that vaguely resembles Margaret Thatcher.) BullyBoy gave the squid a swat with his paw.
And who ever heard of a vegetarian pizza? That's got to be against the law!
"It's good for you, imp and I like it."
"Yeah, yeah, and you're also fond of jock itch but I'm not likely to share that pleasure either."
SWAT!
Tsk!
So... on the pretense that I needed to take a shower before I could do anything else, the pups and I made our way upstairs. I turned on the shower and while it steamed up the bathroom, the three of us stuffed ourselves on real food - a box of Miss Debbie Cakes, 2 Twinkies I found in the linen closet and a bag of Cheetos. I was just wiping the pups' muzzles when a HUGE dark shadow crossed my line of vision.
What followed was also against the law.
The man is a heathen.
His cell phone interrupted his swinging arm and the accompanying tirade about my eating habits. I used the time to call the pizza parlor and ordered a real pizza - mushrooms and pepperoni and extra cheese - 3 large ones - and charged it to his credit card. Then I sneaked a five-dollar bill out of his wallet that was sitting on top of the dresser so I could give the delivery guy a tip. The pups and I were halfway through the pizzas before he got off the phone.
"What the hell are you doing?"
What a dumb question. Anyone can see I'm eating.
"How did you pay for those, imp?"
"With your credit card," I mumbled with my mouth full.
"MY credit card?"
"Well jeez, did you expect me to use somebody else's?"
Honestly, ingesting vegetarian stuff warps your brain.
"Enjoy it, bambina. You're not gonna like what happens next."
We pause here to think of a game plan...
I continued to eat... v-e-r-y slowly.
"You can't spank me twice in the same day," I reminded the caveman.
"Who says?"
Amazing! Caveman can be so articulate.
"I say," I said as I stuffed more pizza in my mouth.
"Now who's delusional?"
Tsk.
~Sar~
Life can be such a treat sometimes.
"There are other veggies you can eat, imp."
Tsk. Did anyone else hear the voice of delusion?
SWAT!
Moving right along...
Taught a class at the university this week - 3 days, 12 students hands-on and about 20 in the audience watching. The 20 were on a waiting list allowed to watch and replace any of the hands-on students that had to leave for some reason or another. I noticed that some stopped watching what I was doing and watched my pups instead. Occasionally one of the pups did what dogs do in a most disgusting manner and in front of an audience no less! Totally lacking in couth. In that, they take after the giant squid.
Uh... not that the giant squid does those kinds of things in public... not in private either... nevertheless...
BAMBINA!
SWAT!
Tsk! Somehow I misstated that. Oh well...
The class was scheduled for 9 a.m. - 5 p.m. with a few breaks so I could take the dogs out and of course, all of us had to eat. When the clock struck 6 p.m. on day 1, I left them still asking questions and went home. I was so tired I went straight to bed. Cowboy woke me and made me eat something. The next day he dropped me off and said he'd pick me up at 5 p.m. so I could leave on time. He did and I napped the whole way home so I could be awake to eat dinner.
You're not going to believe this!
Ready?
The NEANDERTHAL ordered a VEGETARIAN pizza for our dinner! I literally collapsed. The pups came rushing over, glared and growled at the giant squid for his uncouthful behavior. SweetPea offered me his favorite "blankie." (The ferocious Rottweiler sleeps with a soft cloth doll that vaguely resembles Margaret Thatcher.) BullyBoy gave the squid a swat with his paw.
And who ever heard of a vegetarian pizza? That's got to be against the law!
"It's good for you, imp and I like it."
"Yeah, yeah, and you're also fond of jock itch but I'm not likely to share that pleasure either."
SWAT!
Tsk!
So... on the pretense that I needed to take a shower before I could do anything else, the pups and I made our way upstairs. I turned on the shower and while it steamed up the bathroom, the three of us stuffed ourselves on real food - a box of Miss Debbie Cakes, 2 Twinkies I found in the linen closet and a bag of Cheetos. I was just wiping the pups' muzzles when a HUGE dark shadow crossed my line of vision.
What followed was also against the law.
The man is a heathen.
His cell phone interrupted his swinging arm and the accompanying tirade about my eating habits. I used the time to call the pizza parlor and ordered a real pizza - mushrooms and pepperoni and extra cheese - 3 large ones - and charged it to his credit card. Then I sneaked a five-dollar bill out of his wallet that was sitting on top of the dresser so I could give the delivery guy a tip. The pups and I were halfway through the pizzas before he got off the phone.
"What the hell are you doing?"
What a dumb question. Anyone can see I'm eating.
"How did you pay for those, imp?"
"With your credit card," I mumbled with my mouth full.
"MY credit card?"
"Well jeez, did you expect me to use somebody else's?"
Honestly, ingesting vegetarian stuff warps your brain.
"Enjoy it, bambina. You're not gonna like what happens next."
We pause here to think of a game plan...
I continued to eat... v-e-r-y slowly.
"You can't spank me twice in the same day," I reminded the caveman.
"Who says?"
Amazing! Caveman can be so articulate.
"I say," I said as I stuffed more pizza in my mouth.
"Now who's delusional?"
Tsk.
~Sar~
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