Cowboy here. Wrote this last night after the imp passed out from exhaustion. Sar's been going nonstop for some time now - getting things moving along so after we're back from our anniversary trip she'll won't be too far behind in her work. I told her she needed to get some rest. Sar's response was she wasn't tired or sleepy. I had a cure for that.
After she stopped cussing and fussing and still refused to go to bed, the imp went into the yard to take refuge behind the outdoor Rotts. The male is an oversized dog for the breed. He'd probably rip me to shreds if push came to shove. The female is the more vicious of the pair and let's face it, her mission in life is to keep Sar safe.
Our dogs know better than to accept food from anyone but us and a couple of other folks. I tossed them a couple of steak chunks Bull overlooked-- and the imp was mine.
More cussing and fussing and then she reluctantly lay down on the couch for a nap. Passed right out. Put her to bed - never woke even after I picked her up - and tucked her in. Left the bedroom to go downstairs - got attacked by our large cat. That animal and I only tolerate each other so the minute Sar starts fussing, it always goes after me. Wondering how long the damn cat's going to live--
When Sar is working and concentrating everything else goes out the window. I don't mind bringing meals home for supper but I worry that she forgets to eat during the day. Bull tells me she's eating. Yeah, junk food. The kid doesn't know the difference. He sees food - he opens his mouth.
Now, I ask WHAT is she eating? My wife thinks a big bowl of mashed potatoes with butter and cream is a meal. Half a cake is a meal. A bag of chips and a couple bottles of pop equal a meal. 5 chocolate bars are a meal. 10 Twinkies are a meal. When I complain I'm informed she also had a quart of milk.
Knowing that it doesn't take much for my wife to get sick, I try to put things in perspective. As long as she's eating something plus eats what I bring home for supper I guess that's better than not eating at all. She'll get plenty of attention from me while we're away. Trust me. Food and rest will be high on my list - also a lot of leisure to do whatever she wants to do after we arrive.
Other stuff.
David leaves this weekend for the Solomon Islands. They had a tsunami/ earthquake a couple months ago. He's supervising some U.S. military providing humanitarian aid. The Aussie Navy is there too. Sar baked a bunch of stuff he likes - probably last him about 3 days. His housekeeper will stay at his house full-time while he's away - supposedly to take care of the giant tortoise Sar insisted on giving him. Between you and me I think she's there to keep the house safe from David's lady friends. According to Sar, the tortoise is a chick magnet for the guy.
Last medical appointment went fairly well. Doc ended up with only a bruise - thanked me for staying in the room. The tech that tried to draw blood from the imp's arm didn't do so well. Sar managed to kick him in the shin before I could stop her. I delivered a firm swat but the tech got an extra kick the second he turned his back. Some of them never learn. These appointments are traumatic for all concerned. I always take her out for breakfast or a banana split etc for a reward. I wouldn't be surprised if the medics take several aspirin and sneak a couple glasses of wine after we leave. It's against regs but trying to examine Sar is equal to front line combat duty so I ignore the lapse in conduct.
We'll be leaving town in about a week. Sar might have a chance to make another post before we go but no guarantees on that. BTW, for those who asked about "posted by Sar" at the bottom of the posts I write-- the imp's name is the only one on the registry here. She says she'll add mine when she figures out how to do that. Don't hold your breath.
Cowboy
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
Lemonade
At a site I frequent there was a post on the discussion board that listed the many reasons some folks don't like to do the grocery shopping. There were all sorts of reasons, carts with lopsided wheels, children that race down the aisles, shoppers that leave their carts in the middle of the aisle, items on a high shelf that few people can reach, and so on.
There were some rough spots in my life growing up and I've learned that when life gives you lemons, try to make lemonade. It's less frustrating and granted, it doesn't always work but it's definitely worth a try.
I love grocery shopping. I ignore the obstacles and focus on the goal - FOOD. I like to consider grocery shopping an eating event. Eating my way across the store is a wondrous thing to do. In addition to the snacks, there are the fresh bakery items, the deli, the ready-made dishes, and in the aisles that carry ethnic foods, the opportunity to browse through new food items. When Cowboy goes with me - which isn't often - he pushes a cart and pulls one behind him and I carry one of those small baskets to hold all the wrappers of stuff I ate while shopping so we pay for them. Over the years, the giant squid has learned not to grumble too loudly because he knows I'm going to eat while we're there regardless of what he says. Store clerks are used to me; they don't make snide remarks when they ring up the empty wrappers and containers. I'm so busy eating I don't notice the obstacles... lemonade.
You know how traffic can be a sudden nightmare... an accident or bad weather turns drivers into monsters. If I have to sit in traffic or slow down to 2 miles per hour, I pop a "talking book" into the player and keep myself entertained. If the pups are with me, I like to sing... I CAN'T sing. But the gawd-awful noise that comes out of my mouth makes the dogs howl. This is hilarious all by itself but combined with the ugly sounds I'm making, it's an audible event that defies description. People around us look aghast and some even laugh or join in. Yeah, I'm a little nutso sometimes but what the heck. It's better than grumbling about traffic... lemonade.
I even like doing the laundry... It's an opportunity to be creative. I'm fond of testing new dyes for my textile art... the giant squid has an abundance of dyed boxer shorts... I won't repeat the words he uses when he discovers he's out of white ones... very funny lemonade.
"Where are my white boxers?"
"You don't have any."
"I'm in summer whites! These @#$% red ones will show through my uniform!"
"You'll start a new fashion trend."
"SARRRRRR!"
"What?"
SWAT!
Tsk
Moving along...
Hadrian, the Neo Mastiff has been officially adopted. He goes to his new "forever" home this weekend. He's passed his obedience trials, actually behaves most of the time and frankly, I'm going to miss him like crazy. The pony-size pup is a real clown and a cuddle bear and his new family is wild about him. There's a mom and dad and 4 kids. The twin boys are 5 years old and the twin girls are 3. Yep, invitro can work wonders. When the giant pup spotted the kids, he knew right away they were "his." They crawled all over him and he basked in their attention and rewarded them properly - slobber all over their faces. All were very happy. Of course, this made me happy, too.
Miss Emmy, one of our cats, has pneumonia. Cowboy woke me very early the other day when he heard her coughing. At first, we thought she was trying to hurl a hairball but she was all clammy and her eyes a little glazed. Got her to the vet in record time. She got a shot and some antibiotics and now, 48 hours later, is doing much better. The giant wuss I married...
SWAT!
Tsk
...can't seem to get a pill down the 10-lb. cat's throat...
Amazing. He seems perfectly capable of shoving horse pills down mine!
I have a sure-fire method of getting pills down a cat's throat. I pinch her nose which makes her mouth open. Shove the pill down her throat, then clamp her mouth shut and give a quick yank (not too hard) to her tail and that startles her and she swallows fast. Always works.
Cowboy says a large and heavy and threatening hand on MY tail does the same thing... DOUBLE TSK.
DomTom, on the other hand, just eats anything I give him so a crushed pill in his food always works. Cowboy says it's because the cat is male... he knows he needs the medicine.
Uh huh.
We have an anniversary next month. It's a biggie and the giant Neanderthal is surprising me with a trip to a romantic spot. All he told me is that it is in the South Pacific. The South Pacific is a LARGE area so no telling where we're going. He said he'd give me 24-hour notice and to pack clothing for a warm climate and to include a bathing suit. He'd buy whatever else I might need when we get to wherever else is.
This is very exciting. We should be away 3-5 weeks and hopefully, there will be no national emergencies that will recall him to home base. I don't know if I'll have Internet access; Cowboy will have his laptop which hooks to satellite but I don't know if I'll be able to use it while we're away. We're not leaving for another week or so; I might get a chance to touch base with you before then. I'm close to finishing a story and have asked a friend to post it to my web site. I've already composed an "announcement" for those of you on the list.
Speaking of the "announce list." A few of you have asked if you can be added to it. All of you can do that. Go to my web site - link on the right at the top of this page. Scroll to the bottom of the page where you will see a "yahoo invitation" box. Put your email addy in that box and it will take you to yahoo groups where you can sign onto the announce list. The group only receives mail from me when I post a new story. If that sounds too confusing for you, email me and tell me you want to be on the list and I'll send you an invitation to join.
Bull is still with us and will remain at the house while we're away. We have a regular house/pet sitter who will come by a few times to make sure all is well but Bull will take care of the pets - feeding, exercising, etc. I've filled a freezer with food for him - regular meals and lots of baked goods. I also put a padlock on it so he doesn't eat everything before we go away.
Putting in long hours to get some things done before we leave. Feeding lots of peachy things to the giant squid who will suffer peach withdrawal while we're away. I told him he'll have me 24/7 to fill him up. As usual... I have to remind myself I'm a lady and not repeat the embarrassing things he said when I told him that.
~Sar~
There were some rough spots in my life growing up and I've learned that when life gives you lemons, try to make lemonade. It's less frustrating and granted, it doesn't always work but it's definitely worth a try.
I love grocery shopping. I ignore the obstacles and focus on the goal - FOOD. I like to consider grocery shopping an eating event. Eating my way across the store is a wondrous thing to do. In addition to the snacks, there are the fresh bakery items, the deli, the ready-made dishes, and in the aisles that carry ethnic foods, the opportunity to browse through new food items. When Cowboy goes with me - which isn't often - he pushes a cart and pulls one behind him and I carry one of those small baskets to hold all the wrappers of stuff I ate while shopping so we pay for them. Over the years, the giant squid has learned not to grumble too loudly because he knows I'm going to eat while we're there regardless of what he says. Store clerks are used to me; they don't make snide remarks when they ring up the empty wrappers and containers. I'm so busy eating I don't notice the obstacles... lemonade.
You know how traffic can be a sudden nightmare... an accident or bad weather turns drivers into monsters. If I have to sit in traffic or slow down to 2 miles per hour, I pop a "talking book" into the player and keep myself entertained. If the pups are with me, I like to sing... I CAN'T sing. But the gawd-awful noise that comes out of my mouth makes the dogs howl. This is hilarious all by itself but combined with the ugly sounds I'm making, it's an audible event that defies description. People around us look aghast and some even laugh or join in. Yeah, I'm a little nutso sometimes but what the heck. It's better than grumbling about traffic... lemonade.
I even like doing the laundry... It's an opportunity to be creative. I'm fond of testing new dyes for my textile art... the giant squid has an abundance of dyed boxer shorts... I won't repeat the words he uses when he discovers he's out of white ones... very funny lemonade.
"Where are my white boxers?"
"You don't have any."
"I'm in summer whites! These @#$% red ones will show through my uniform!"
"You'll start a new fashion trend."
"SARRRRRR!"
"What?"
SWAT!
Tsk
Moving along...
Hadrian, the Neo Mastiff has been officially adopted. He goes to his new "forever" home this weekend. He's passed his obedience trials, actually behaves most of the time and frankly, I'm going to miss him like crazy. The pony-size pup is a real clown and a cuddle bear and his new family is wild about him. There's a mom and dad and 4 kids. The twin boys are 5 years old and the twin girls are 3. Yep, invitro can work wonders. When the giant pup spotted the kids, he knew right away they were "his." They crawled all over him and he basked in their attention and rewarded them properly - slobber all over their faces. All were very happy. Of course, this made me happy, too.
Miss Emmy, one of our cats, has pneumonia. Cowboy woke me very early the other day when he heard her coughing. At first, we thought she was trying to hurl a hairball but she was all clammy and her eyes a little glazed. Got her to the vet in record time. She got a shot and some antibiotics and now, 48 hours later, is doing much better. The giant wuss I married...
SWAT!
Tsk
...can't seem to get a pill down the 10-lb. cat's throat...
Amazing. He seems perfectly capable of shoving horse pills down mine!
I have a sure-fire method of getting pills down a cat's throat. I pinch her nose which makes her mouth open. Shove the pill down her throat, then clamp her mouth shut and give a quick yank (not too hard) to her tail and that startles her and she swallows fast. Always works.
Cowboy says a large and heavy and threatening hand on MY tail does the same thing... DOUBLE TSK.
DomTom, on the other hand, just eats anything I give him so a crushed pill in his food always works. Cowboy says it's because the cat is male... he knows he needs the medicine.
Uh huh.
We have an anniversary next month. It's a biggie and the giant Neanderthal is surprising me with a trip to a romantic spot. All he told me is that it is in the South Pacific. The South Pacific is a LARGE area so no telling where we're going. He said he'd give me 24-hour notice and to pack clothing for a warm climate and to include a bathing suit. He'd buy whatever else I might need when we get to wherever else is.
This is very exciting. We should be away 3-5 weeks and hopefully, there will be no national emergencies that will recall him to home base. I don't know if I'll have Internet access; Cowboy will have his laptop which hooks to satellite but I don't know if I'll be able to use it while we're away. We're not leaving for another week or so; I might get a chance to touch base with you before then. I'm close to finishing a story and have asked a friend to post it to my web site. I've already composed an "announcement" for those of you on the list.
Speaking of the "announce list." A few of you have asked if you can be added to it. All of you can do that. Go to my web site - link on the right at the top of this page. Scroll to the bottom of the page where you will see a "yahoo invitation" box. Put your email addy in that box and it will take you to yahoo groups where you can sign onto the announce list. The group only receives mail from me when I post a new story. If that sounds too confusing for you, email me and tell me you want to be on the list and I'll send you an invitation to join.
Bull is still with us and will remain at the house while we're away. We have a regular house/pet sitter who will come by a few times to make sure all is well but Bull will take care of the pets - feeding, exercising, etc. I've filled a freezer with food for him - regular meals and lots of baked goods. I also put a padlock on it so he doesn't eat everything before we go away.
Putting in long hours to get some things done before we leave. Feeding lots of peachy things to the giant squid who will suffer peach withdrawal while we're away. I told him he'll have me 24/7 to fill him up. As usual... I have to remind myself I'm a lady and not repeat the embarrassing things he said when I told him that.
~Sar~
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Skinny Dipping
We've had unreasonably hot weather, not something we usually get out here in the Pacific Northwest. We get about a week or two of high 80s and rarely more than 2-3 days at a time in July and August. So far this year, we've had more than our share of the hot sticky stuff and it's hit the mid and high 90s enough times that I've given serious thought to flying to northern Alaska.
Houses are not air conditioned in Western Washington and yes, I have fans going at high speed in most of the rooms. The dogs go dumb this time of year - keeping their fur coats on in this heat... I brought all of them into the house and needless to say, they're hogging the fans. Both cats are snoozing on top of the freezer in the garage.
I told the giant squid if he didn't get A/C for the house I was going to trek to northern climes.
"It's only a few days a year, bambina."
"I can't take the heat!" I said a little louder than I normally speak.
"You think this is hot?" he grumbled. "Wait till you feel how hot it's gonna get on your tush!" This was said in a not-so-nice tone of voice.
"Bully!"
SWAT!
"I'm leaving and spending the next few days in an air conditioned hotel. You can order takeout for you and the pups."
SWAT!
"You're staying," he said with great confidence. "And tonight, we'll go skinny dipping. Sound good?"
Ohhhhhhh skinny dipping. Our neighbor is out of town and told us to use their pool whenever we wanted to. Very few pools out this way. We had one in Miami when we lived there and used it most of the year. Hmmm... no neighbors, beautiful pool, hot night, skinny dipping. Okey dokey, I can do that.
So... that evening - late - we walked over to the neighbor's house. The house is surrounded by tall evergreens and it's very dark so we turned on one outside patio light so we could see where we were. Stripped and jumped into the pool.
Splashing, swimming, teasing, the band is cued to play... and just when things were getting v-e-r-y yummy, a humonguously bright light is turned on and directed at us. I scurried behind the giant squid. A voice says very calmly...
"Is that you, Admiral?"
Apparently, the neighbor on the other side heard us and thought a couple of teenagers were trespassing on the property and called the police.
Honestly...
"Good evening, Officer," Cowboy says just as calmly, treading water as if he was used to being scrutinized in his birthday suit.
Total frontal nudity! Accckkkkk!
Not wanting to be left out of the fun...
I'm still hiding my naked self behind Cowboy but I yell - "Oh Officer, this big mean man ripped my clothes off!
He tossed me into the pool!
He means to have his way with me!"
Cowboy snorts.
Tsk.
The officer laughs and says "I bet he does." And then he says "Have fun, kids," and takes off!
Tsk! That's the thanks I get for baking goodies for the local policeman's charity event?
"Bambina..." the giant squid says and gives me "that look."
"He called you a kid," I yell and start to swim away. "And he saw you naked. Egads!"
"Just as long as he didn't see YOU naked," Cowboy says and dives under water where he got very fresh and used his Sealy swimming abilities to get me just high enough above the water to deliver a couple of swats.
Then he got even fresher and wouldn't you know it? The band finally played on.
~Sar~
Houses are not air conditioned in Western Washington and yes, I have fans going at high speed in most of the rooms. The dogs go dumb this time of year - keeping their fur coats on in this heat... I brought all of them into the house and needless to say, they're hogging the fans. Both cats are snoozing on top of the freezer in the garage.
I told the giant squid if he didn't get A/C for the house I was going to trek to northern climes.
"It's only a few days a year, bambina."
"I can't take the heat!" I said a little louder than I normally speak.
"You think this is hot?" he grumbled. "Wait till you feel how hot it's gonna get on your tush!" This was said in a not-so-nice tone of voice.
"Bully!"
SWAT!
"I'm leaving and spending the next few days in an air conditioned hotel. You can order takeout for you and the pups."
SWAT!
"You're staying," he said with great confidence. "And tonight, we'll go skinny dipping. Sound good?"
Ohhhhhhh skinny dipping. Our neighbor is out of town and told us to use their pool whenever we wanted to. Very few pools out this way. We had one in Miami when we lived there and used it most of the year. Hmmm... no neighbors, beautiful pool, hot night, skinny dipping. Okey dokey, I can do that.
So... that evening - late - we walked over to the neighbor's house. The house is surrounded by tall evergreens and it's very dark so we turned on one outside patio light so we could see where we were. Stripped and jumped into the pool.
Splashing, swimming, teasing, the band is cued to play... and just when things were getting v-e-r-y yummy, a humonguously bright light is turned on and directed at us. I scurried behind the giant squid. A voice says very calmly...
"Is that you, Admiral?"
Apparently, the neighbor on the other side heard us and thought a couple of teenagers were trespassing on the property and called the police.
Honestly...
"Good evening, Officer," Cowboy says just as calmly, treading water as if he was used to being scrutinized in his birthday suit.
Total frontal nudity! Accckkkkk!
Not wanting to be left out of the fun...
I'm still hiding my naked self behind Cowboy but I yell - "Oh Officer, this big mean man ripped my clothes off!
He tossed me into the pool!
He means to have his way with me!"
Cowboy snorts.
Tsk.
The officer laughs and says "I bet he does." And then he says "Have fun, kids," and takes off!
Tsk! That's the thanks I get for baking goodies for the local policeman's charity event?
"Bambina..." the giant squid says and gives me "that look."
"He called you a kid," I yell and start to swim away. "And he saw you naked. Egads!"
"Just as long as he didn't see YOU naked," Cowboy says and dives under water where he got very fresh and used his Sealy swimming abilities to get me just high enough above the water to deliver a couple of swats.
Then he got even fresher and wouldn't you know it? The band finally played on.
~Sar~
Friday, July 13, 2007
Ponies!
We've got two ponies in the backyard! I'm beside myself with utter joy! Every year, when the giant squid asks me what I want for Christmas, I always say I want a pony. Tsk. I never get one.
The reason for the ponies is Patrick's birthday. The little tyke will be ten years old on Sunday and we're having a birthday party for him at our house. Lots of cake and ice cream and presents and pony rides for his guests.
I asked Bull to take care of the pony part and I'd take care of the food, etc. So, yesterday afternoon he went to a pony farm and instead of arranging to have the ponies here for Sunday afternoon, he hitched a pony trailer to his Hummer and brought them home! I was thrilled, of course, but was not expecting to house two ponies for the extra days and nights. The big lug got hay and oats and bunches of carrots and emptied all the apples out of my larder. Fortunately, he has experience with ponies; I only know how to ride them.
Cowboy was away when all this occurred - working a double shift at the base so he could take a few days off. I was asleep when he got home sometime after midnight but at oh-dark-thirty the Neanderthal woke me with a smack on my backside and a loud:
"What the hell are two horses doing in my backyard?"
HIS backyard? Tsk.
"We have two horses in the backyard?" I asked, playing the innocent card. I mean... it was oh-dark-thirty for crying out loud. I had been sleeping and rudely awakened by a large and heavy hand. NO COUTH!
"Sar..." this said in that soft scary voice that means I should be heading for the outer edge of the planet YESTERDAY!
"Ponies for Patrick's party," I yelled and jumped off the foot of the bed, hurled myself across the room and out the door. Tripped over SweetPea and BullyBoy who were sleeping on the other side of the door instead of in their beds on the landing and skidded on my belly down the hall and ended up on top of bare feet... I looked up and Bull looked down and picked me up and told me not to worry - he'd take the heat from Cowboy about the ponies being in the backyard 2 days early.
Oh yeah, sure, right. Like Cowboy's gonna spank the behemoth instead of me!
And... was so glad I happened to be wearing pj's instead of just one of the giant squid's t-shirts.
"I'm waiting for an explanation," Genghis Khan reincarnated demanded, leaning against the wall with his Popeye arms folded across his chest.
"You're from Texas," I said calmly despite my heart racing. "Ponies shouldn't upset you."
"Sar..."
"Oy. You must be getting old if two little ole ponies in the yard are upsetting."
"I think you'd better hush up before his next move," Bull whispered.
I thought so too and slid out of Bull's arms and moved behind the big guy.
"Don't let him hurt me," I mumbled, peeking from behind the huge barrier of his body.
"I'd never hurt you, bambina," the giant squid said, "but I'd spank you in a New York minute. Come here."
"I'm okay right here," I replied, hanging onto the back of Bull's T-shirt.
"Don't make me come get you."
Oy!
Bull jumped in with an explanation which thankfully, the giant squid understood. "So you're not mad at Sar, right?" the sweet but terribly naive man asked.
"Never mad at her," Cowboy said and before I knew it, I was no longer behind Bull but caught up in Genghis Khan's arms!
"No spanking cause of the ponies, right?" Bull persisted.
"Nope, the ponies are home free," Genghis agreed.
"Whew! Well I'm back to the sack," Bull said and went back to bed.
"And you're over my knee," the giant squid laughed and landed a smack right on my teeny tiny bottom.
"Heyyyyyy!" I complained.
"You should have called me to tell me what was going on," Cowboy said and delivered another smack.
"No peach cobbler!" I yelled.
"Is that so?" he said in that scary voice.
Oy.
"Going to tell Bull and Patrick you spanked me for NOTHING!"
"No, you're not," the president of Neanderthals R Us said.
"Since when do ponies in the backyard constitute putting my health or safety in jeopardy?"
"My health," the Neanderthal replied. "My mental health."
"Not fair!" I protested as I stared at the carpet. Hmmm, need to get these shampooed. "You're changing the rules. I'm not cooking till you apologize for spanking me."
I am indignant and feeling very put upon at the moment.
"Apologize? For giving you a well-deserved smack? Nope."
...And another smack made contact.
I took a deep breath, grabbed Cowboy's bare leg... and BIT HIM!
A very ugly stream of words followed. Not from me, from HIM. I'm an angel.
"Are you going to apologize?" I asked as he pulled me up and away from his leg.
"Gonna toast your tush, bambina."
"You'd be better off making whoopee instead," I assured him.
"You been reading Winning Through Intimidation again?"
I nodded.
"You win. I apologize. Now kiss me."
The band played on... Later, I made peach cobbler... and spent the day playing with the ponies.
Some days I am so good at this I can't stand it.
~Sar~
The reason for the ponies is Patrick's birthday. The little tyke will be ten years old on Sunday and we're having a birthday party for him at our house. Lots of cake and ice cream and presents and pony rides for his guests.
I asked Bull to take care of the pony part and I'd take care of the food, etc. So, yesterday afternoon he went to a pony farm and instead of arranging to have the ponies here for Sunday afternoon, he hitched a pony trailer to his Hummer and brought them home! I was thrilled, of course, but was not expecting to house two ponies for the extra days and nights. The big lug got hay and oats and bunches of carrots and emptied all the apples out of my larder. Fortunately, he has experience with ponies; I only know how to ride them.
Cowboy was away when all this occurred - working a double shift at the base so he could take a few days off. I was asleep when he got home sometime after midnight but at oh-dark-thirty the Neanderthal woke me with a smack on my backside and a loud:
"What the hell are two horses doing in my backyard?"
HIS backyard? Tsk.
"We have two horses in the backyard?" I asked, playing the innocent card. I mean... it was oh-dark-thirty for crying out loud. I had been sleeping and rudely awakened by a large and heavy hand. NO COUTH!
"Sar..." this said in that soft scary voice that means I should be heading for the outer edge of the planet YESTERDAY!
"Ponies for Patrick's party," I yelled and jumped off the foot of the bed, hurled myself across the room and out the door. Tripped over SweetPea and BullyBoy who were sleeping on the other side of the door instead of in their beds on the landing and skidded on my belly down the hall and ended up on top of bare feet... I looked up and Bull looked down and picked me up and told me not to worry - he'd take the heat from Cowboy about the ponies being in the backyard 2 days early.
Oh yeah, sure, right. Like Cowboy's gonna spank the behemoth instead of me!
And... was so glad I happened to be wearing pj's instead of just one of the giant squid's t-shirts.
"I'm waiting for an explanation," Genghis Khan reincarnated demanded, leaning against the wall with his Popeye arms folded across his chest.
"You're from Texas," I said calmly despite my heart racing. "Ponies shouldn't upset you."
"Sar..."
"Oy. You must be getting old if two little ole ponies in the yard are upsetting."
"I think you'd better hush up before his next move," Bull whispered.
I thought so too and slid out of Bull's arms and moved behind the big guy.
"Don't let him hurt me," I mumbled, peeking from behind the huge barrier of his body.
"I'd never hurt you, bambina," the giant squid said, "but I'd spank you in a New York minute. Come here."
"I'm okay right here," I replied, hanging onto the back of Bull's T-shirt.
"Don't make me come get you."
Oy!
Bull jumped in with an explanation which thankfully, the giant squid understood. "So you're not mad at Sar, right?" the sweet but terribly naive man asked.
"Never mad at her," Cowboy said and before I knew it, I was no longer behind Bull but caught up in Genghis Khan's arms!
"No spanking cause of the ponies, right?" Bull persisted.
"Nope, the ponies are home free," Genghis agreed.
"Whew! Well I'm back to the sack," Bull said and went back to bed.
"And you're over my knee," the giant squid laughed and landed a smack right on my teeny tiny bottom.
"Heyyyyyy!" I complained.
"You should have called me to tell me what was going on," Cowboy said and delivered another smack.
"No peach cobbler!" I yelled.
"Is that so?" he said in that scary voice.
Oy.
"Going to tell Bull and Patrick you spanked me for NOTHING!"
"No, you're not," the president of Neanderthals R Us said.
"Since when do ponies in the backyard constitute putting my health or safety in jeopardy?"
"My health," the Neanderthal replied. "My mental health."
"Not fair!" I protested as I stared at the carpet. Hmmm, need to get these shampooed. "You're changing the rules. I'm not cooking till you apologize for spanking me."
I am indignant and feeling very put upon at the moment.
"Apologize? For giving you a well-deserved smack? Nope."
...And another smack made contact.
I took a deep breath, grabbed Cowboy's bare leg... and BIT HIM!
A very ugly stream of words followed. Not from me, from HIM. I'm an angel.
"Are you going to apologize?" I asked as he pulled me up and away from his leg.
"Gonna toast your tush, bambina."
"You'd be better off making whoopee instead," I assured him.
"You been reading Winning Through Intimidation again?"
I nodded.
"You win. I apologize. Now kiss me."
The band played on... Later, I made peach cobbler... and spent the day playing with the ponies.
Some days I am so good at this I can't stand it.
~Sar~
Monday, July 02, 2007
Facts & Myths
Fact: Cowboy here.
Fact: The imp finally ran out of steam and is taking a much needed nap. She's been cooking/baking nonstop since Bull arrived. The meals are out of this world but she needs to slow down, do less and rest more.
Fact: Rain + sunshine = rain.
Fact: Light rain + sunshine = rain.
Myth: Sunshine + any kind of rain does NOT = no rain. I had to chase her down to get her out of the rain.
Fact: She's been sneezing since she went out into the *no rain* to romp with the pups.
Myth: My hand warming the imp's backside. Wanna bet?
Fact: My hand warming the imp's backside.
Myth: Sar agreeing she deserved a hot tush.
Fact: I'm a Neanderthal, bully, barbarian, piss ant plus everything in between.
Fact: Tossed her over my shoulder and got on the scale. Put her down to weigh myself. Subtracted the difference. She's down 4 pounds she can't afford to lose.
Fact: My wife needs to gain weight, eat more calories and do less.
Fact: Told Bull to make sure she doesn't jog the regular 5 miles every day; 2 miles is plenty.
Myth: Sar readily agreed, then searched online for a few pigs that fly.
Fact: I'm a Neanderthal, bully, barbarian, piss ant plus everything in between.
Fact: We have a major anniversary coming up this summer. Thinking about taking the imp to Europe as soon as I re-arrange my schedule.
Fact: Last time we were there, she went off on her own while I was on a conference call and got lost in the hill country in northern Italy. Eventually she called to ask me to come get her, I said where are you? Sar's response: I'm lost, it's hilly and everybody's speaking Italian.
Fact: Found her, warmed that little tush for a/leaving; b/scaring the hell out of me; c/because it made *me* feel better.
Fact: I'm a Neanderthal, bully, barbarian, piss ant plus everything in between.
Myth: She's leaving me.
Fact: Medical appointment coming up. Sar has to go in every 3 months - she has intestinal concerns. The appointments keep us ahead of any problems that might crop up. Her high metabolic rate needs monitoring and the meds regulated to keep her healthy.
Fact: As soon as the imp's name appears on the schedule, lab techs put in for vacation. Medics too. Only the nurses seem to get a big kick out of those visits.
Myth: She sends food baskets to the nurses to ensure their cooperation. This actually might be factual. Bribing is an effective strategy.
Fact: A few years ago while I was at sea, Sar was in a serious accident, David took her to the hospital and stayed until she was stable. He said your wife can really kick ass. Uncertain whether I should be proud or remind myself to toast her butt after I got back.
Fact: The dogs were whining outside the bedroom door trying to worm their way in so they could be near the imp. She was asleep. Had to move her to the downstairs couch so they could check up on her every 30 seconds.
Myth: Sar will continue to nap/rest on the couch after I leave the house.
Fact: She'll use food to bribe Bull into letting her get up.
Fact: I will bust her bottom the second she gets off that couch.
Fact: I'm a Neanderthal, bully, barbarian, piss ant plus everything in between.
Fact: Almost certain there's no peach cobbler on the immediate horizon.
Cowboy
Fact: The imp finally ran out of steam and is taking a much needed nap. She's been cooking/baking nonstop since Bull arrived. The meals are out of this world but she needs to slow down, do less and rest more.
Fact: Rain + sunshine = rain.
Fact: Light rain + sunshine = rain.
Myth: Sunshine + any kind of rain does NOT = no rain. I had to chase her down to get her out of the rain.
Fact: She's been sneezing since she went out into the *no rain* to romp with the pups.
Myth: My hand warming the imp's backside. Wanna bet?
Fact: My hand warming the imp's backside.
Myth: Sar agreeing she deserved a hot tush.
Fact: I'm a Neanderthal, bully, barbarian, piss ant plus everything in between.
Fact: Tossed her over my shoulder and got on the scale. Put her down to weigh myself. Subtracted the difference. She's down 4 pounds she can't afford to lose.
Fact: My wife needs to gain weight, eat more calories and do less.
Fact: Told Bull to make sure she doesn't jog the regular 5 miles every day; 2 miles is plenty.
Myth: Sar readily agreed, then searched online for a few pigs that fly.
Fact: I'm a Neanderthal, bully, barbarian, piss ant plus everything in between.
Fact: We have a major anniversary coming up this summer. Thinking about taking the imp to Europe as soon as I re-arrange my schedule.
Fact: Last time we were there, she went off on her own while I was on a conference call and got lost in the hill country in northern Italy. Eventually she called to ask me to come get her, I said where are you? Sar's response: I'm lost, it's hilly and everybody's speaking Italian.
Fact: Found her, warmed that little tush for a/leaving; b/scaring the hell out of me; c/because it made *me* feel better.
Fact: I'm a Neanderthal, bully, barbarian, piss ant plus everything in between.
Myth: She's leaving me.
Fact: Medical appointment coming up. Sar has to go in every 3 months - she has intestinal concerns. The appointments keep us ahead of any problems that might crop up. Her high metabolic rate needs monitoring and the meds regulated to keep her healthy.
Fact: As soon as the imp's name appears on the schedule, lab techs put in for vacation. Medics too. Only the nurses seem to get a big kick out of those visits.
Myth: She sends food baskets to the nurses to ensure their cooperation. This actually might be factual. Bribing is an effective strategy.
Fact: A few years ago while I was at sea, Sar was in a serious accident, David took her to the hospital and stayed until she was stable. He said your wife can really kick ass. Uncertain whether I should be proud or remind myself to toast her butt after I got back.
Fact: The dogs were whining outside the bedroom door trying to worm their way in so they could be near the imp. She was asleep. Had to move her to the downstairs couch so they could check up on her every 30 seconds.
Myth: Sar will continue to nap/rest on the couch after I leave the house.
Fact: She'll use food to bribe Bull into letting her get up.
Fact: I will bust her bottom the second she gets off that couch.
Fact: I'm a Neanderthal, bully, barbarian, piss ant plus everything in between.
Fact: Almost certain there's no peach cobbler on the immediate horizon.
Cowboy
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