Cowboy here. The imp is at the commissary buying out the place. I assigned 2 clueless young off-duty sailors to help her - God help them!
My wife is fearless of most things - especially animals. We live in a rural community. Our house is in the foothills of the Cascade mountain range. We have bear and coyote sightings now and then. We have seen both at one time or another when we're out driving. Sar has a saltlick for deer and that can attract a hungry bigger critter. I am thankful she keeps a respectful distance.
Insects: You'd think a city girl would be squirrly around bugs. Nope. When she was a kid she used to play "war correspondent" by throwing red ants in with black ones-- and still would if we had ants. Not too many insects out here in the Pacific Northwest. We have garden beetles. She ignores them. We have slugs. She has devised ingenious ways to kill them and does so with a bit too much enthusiasm if you ask me. She gets excited when she sees a snake. Here we have harmless garden snakes and not too many of them. They're generally scared of the dogs and leave as fast as they came. Sar has accidentally walked into spider's webs and just wiped the webbing off her face without so much as a blink.
But-- if one gets in the house she goes beserk! The dogs are inclined to sniff it or place a paw on it. The cats will play with it until it dies. My wife goes commando. She sprays it with a cleaning spray which slows it down. Then she swats it with a shoe or a towel or a broom - the whole time she is shrieking as if being attacked. The dogs spring into action and growl at the spider - the cats either add their paws to the fray or watch the show. I do not know this woman.
The first time she found a spider in the house and screamed bloody murder and I realized it was just a spider - a small one at that - I warmed her tush for scaring the hell out of me. The way she screamed I thought we were under attack. I have told her to tell me if she sees one in the house and I will dispose of it but no. The warrior woman I married has to do battle and she does it with all the finesse of Genghis Khan - screaming while she slays.
The same woman flushes dead spider, scrubs her hands as if they were stained with blood and settles down to eat a box of Twinkies and drink a root beer float in celebration. This woman I know.
On another note: An article in the local paper informs the reading public that e coli has infected 187 people across Alaska, Washington, Oregon, Idaho and Montana. Sar highlighted the article in neon and placed it in the center of my desk. That's not an epidemic I tell her. She, on the other hand, is astounded that 187 people include spinach in their diet. I give her a swat.
She says she would not be surprised if e coli spreads to other green vegetables. I tell her she's eating green vegetables or getting her tush toasted.
She is debating which is the lesser evil but I note that she has 1 foot out the door.
Life in our house remains normal.
Cowboy
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Thursday, September 21, 2006
EXCUSE ME?
Sorry - didn't mean to shout but I am grinding my teeth to stubs so as not to inflict permanent damage on two potential Navy wives...
Once upon a time - back when people knew how to behave in other people's homes... I didn't mind if Cowboy asked if he could invite a fellow officer or a subordinate home for dinner. Senior officers befriended the giant squid when he was still a squidlet so Cowboy was giving the same opportunity to those officers that had demonstrated potential for advancement.
So... a few days ago, I agree to make dinner for two of his subordinates and their girlfriends.
Two young men - late 20s - arrive with two respectably dressed ladies on their arms. Dinner was a success ... except for:
Bimbo #1 flirted with Cowboy all through dinner. My immediate reaction was to stab her with the tines of my fork but Cowboy covered my hand. That man anticipates my reactions too well.
Bimbo #2 chewed gum all through dinner - putting her gum on her plate while she ate... EGADS! I think I rolled my eyes but Cowboy's glare had me blinking.
Bimbo #2 used the guest bathroom and after they left, I found the towels ON THE FLOOR! I screamed SHIITAKE MUSHROOMS! at the top of my lungs but that only made the dogs come running.
Bimbo #1 wanted to know if Cowboy was any good in bed and had we ever had sex in his office at the base and could she and her boyfriend do that some time when he wasn't in his office?
I was hard pressed not to let the dogs loose on the two of them.
Cowboy was appalled by it all. His subordinates were embarrassed and will have to do other things to get his recommendation for advancement. Marrying those two women will be on the debit side of the ledger. (Neither thanked me for dinner and neither will be invited back.)
Moving right along...
Spinach is STILL LETHAL! I'm overjoyed!
"You'll have to eat something else that's green, bambina. Got to get those nutrients into you to counterbalance the junk you eat."
Since when did he get a degree in nutrition?
"I'm going to pick up some Brussels sprouts on my way home," the vegan in a previous life announced.
"I'm going to commit Hari Kari," I replied. (I just saw "Kill Bill - Vol. 1 & 2 and I think there's a Hattori Hanzo sword somewhere in the house.)
"You better not fill up on burgers and onion rings and milkshakes before I get home. I want you to eat something nutritious for a change."
"I wouldn't dream of it," I said. (The pups and I have a date with friends at "Ye Ol Texas Smoke House" where we will stuff ourselves on ribs and shredded beef and root beer floats.)
"I mean it, Sar. No burgers and onion rings."
"Cross my heart and hope to die," I smiled.
He looked suspicious.
I continued to smile.
He narrowed his eyes.
I think my face will freeze if I don't stop smiling.
SWAT!
"Jeez! What was that for?"
"A gut feeling, bambina."
Tsk! The man has premonitions. I wonder if there's a pill for that?
And...
It's RAINING! Glorious rain! It has rained for a few days with just a few sun breaks. The pups and I have been out in it every chance we get which is only when the giant squid is away from the house.
"I don't want you in the rain, bambina."
Tsk. Too bad we can't always have what we want in life.
SWAT!
"Now what?"
"That's for just in case, imp."
I need to find that anti-premonition pill.
~Sar~
Once upon a time - back when people knew how to behave in other people's homes... I didn't mind if Cowboy asked if he could invite a fellow officer or a subordinate home for dinner. Senior officers befriended the giant squid when he was still a squidlet so Cowboy was giving the same opportunity to those officers that had demonstrated potential for advancement.
So... a few days ago, I agree to make dinner for two of his subordinates and their girlfriends.
Two young men - late 20s - arrive with two respectably dressed ladies on their arms. Dinner was a success ... except for:
Bimbo #1 flirted with Cowboy all through dinner. My immediate reaction was to stab her with the tines of my fork but Cowboy covered my hand. That man anticipates my reactions too well.
Bimbo #2 chewed gum all through dinner - putting her gum on her plate while she ate... EGADS! I think I rolled my eyes but Cowboy's glare had me blinking.
Bimbo #2 used the guest bathroom and after they left, I found the towels ON THE FLOOR! I screamed SHIITAKE MUSHROOMS! at the top of my lungs but that only made the dogs come running.
Bimbo #1 wanted to know if Cowboy was any good in bed and had we ever had sex in his office at the base and could she and her boyfriend do that some time when he wasn't in his office?
I was hard pressed not to let the dogs loose on the two of them.
Cowboy was appalled by it all. His subordinates were embarrassed and will have to do other things to get his recommendation for advancement. Marrying those two women will be on the debit side of the ledger. (Neither thanked me for dinner and neither will be invited back.)
Moving right along...
Spinach is STILL LETHAL! I'm overjoyed!
"You'll have to eat something else that's green, bambina. Got to get those nutrients into you to counterbalance the junk you eat."
Since when did he get a degree in nutrition?
"I'm going to pick up some Brussels sprouts on my way home," the vegan in a previous life announced.
"I'm going to commit Hari Kari," I replied. (I just saw "Kill Bill - Vol. 1 & 2 and I think there's a Hattori Hanzo sword somewhere in the house.)
"You better not fill up on burgers and onion rings and milkshakes before I get home. I want you to eat something nutritious for a change."
"I wouldn't dream of it," I said. (The pups and I have a date with friends at "Ye Ol Texas Smoke House" where we will stuff ourselves on ribs and shredded beef and root beer floats.)
"I mean it, Sar. No burgers and onion rings."
"Cross my heart and hope to die," I smiled.
He looked suspicious.
I continued to smile.
He narrowed his eyes.
I think my face will freeze if I don't stop smiling.
SWAT!
"Jeez! What was that for?"
"A gut feeling, bambina."
Tsk! The man has premonitions. I wonder if there's a pill for that?
And...
It's RAINING! Glorious rain! It has rained for a few days with just a few sun breaks. The pups and I have been out in it every chance we get which is only when the giant squid is away from the house.
"I don't want you in the rain, bambina."
Tsk. Too bad we can't always have what we want in life.
SWAT!
"Now what?"
"That's for just in case, imp."
I need to find that anti-premonition pill.
~Sar~
Friday, September 15, 2006
GOOD News!
I heard on the news this morning that spinach can KILL you! It's loaded with e coli! Is that the best news for kids all over the world? And me, of course. I'll eat it raw in salads but never cooked. Now I don't have to eat it at all - not ever again! I've been doing the happy dance all morning!
More good news: Ever since the giant squid was a boy - back in the dark ages - Cracker Jack(s) came in boxes with wonderful prizes. Over the years the prizes deteriorated in quality - or - I got older and they weren't quite as exciting as they used to be. Regardless, I always save them for Cowboy. Then the absolute worst thing happened. The manufacturers got rid of the boxes and packaged the delightful treat in bags. BAGS! Is that disgusting? And NO prizes!
I wrote my congressman. He was shocked to say the least.
Yesterday I was at the grocery store and ~sigh~ miracles actually happen! There, on the top shelf, way higher than my arm could reach... were BOXES of Cracker Jack(s) with PRIZES!
I dragged a grocery boy over and made him put EVERY box in my grocery cart and then I bought out their entire inventory.
"How come the seats in my SUV are sticky?" the giant Neanderthal asked later that evening when he came back from running errands. (His driver picked him up yesterday.)
I drive an old surplus Navy Jeep and it's hard to get the top on it without help. It was a bit chilly out and the pups and I had plans to eat real food at the Golden Arches and then enjoy a long run in the park so since Cowboy's SUV was available, I took it. The pups and I were very excited about the Cracker Jacks so after we stuffed ourselves on burgers, onion rings (fries for BullyBoy) root beer and milkshakes, we sat in the car and ate cracker jacks until we couldn't eat another bite. The pups tend to salivate mightily when they eat tasty things so some of their enthusiasm must have drooled onto the seats.
"Your car seats are sticky?" Sar, the innocent queried.
"What in blazes were you and the dogs eating? And why were you doing it in my car?"
Oh dear... this conversation could deteriorate.
"It was chilly out and I knew you'd want me to stay warm so I took your car when I went grocery shopping."
"You usually drive Bull's Hummer. Why not today?" the nosy man asked.
Because Cowboy's SUV had a full tank of gas, the Hummer was almost on empty. What a dumb question.
"I'm waiting for an answer, bambina."
Would you believe he crossed his arms over his chest? Tsk.
"Well?"
"Well? Ohhhhh deep subject."
SWAT!
Double tsk.
"You'll never guess what I found out today." I grinned, segueing aimlessly into another subject.
"Still waiting, Sar."
"Spinach is lethal and I have new Cracker Jack prizes for you. Isn't that great news?"
He nodded his head in understanding.
Tsk. It was like one of those toys you see in the back window of a car. Up... down... up... down... meaningless.
"Guess what else is news today?" he added.
"What?" the dumb-dumb side of my brain asked.
"Your tush is mine!"
Good thing I love him but I might just keep those Cracker Jack prizes for myself.
~Sar~
More good news: Ever since the giant squid was a boy - back in the dark ages - Cracker Jack(s) came in boxes with wonderful prizes. Over the years the prizes deteriorated in quality - or - I got older and they weren't quite as exciting as they used to be. Regardless, I always save them for Cowboy. Then the absolute worst thing happened. The manufacturers got rid of the boxes and packaged the delightful treat in bags. BAGS! Is that disgusting? And NO prizes!
I wrote my congressman. He was shocked to say the least.
Yesterday I was at the grocery store and ~sigh~ miracles actually happen! There, on the top shelf, way higher than my arm could reach... were BOXES of Cracker Jack(s) with PRIZES!
I dragged a grocery boy over and made him put EVERY box in my grocery cart and then I bought out their entire inventory.
"How come the seats in my SUV are sticky?" the giant Neanderthal asked later that evening when he came back from running errands. (His driver picked him up yesterday.)
I drive an old surplus Navy Jeep and it's hard to get the top on it without help. It was a bit chilly out and the pups and I had plans to eat real food at the Golden Arches and then enjoy a long run in the park so since Cowboy's SUV was available, I took it. The pups and I were very excited about the Cracker Jacks so after we stuffed ourselves on burgers, onion rings (fries for BullyBoy) root beer and milkshakes, we sat in the car and ate cracker jacks until we couldn't eat another bite. The pups tend to salivate mightily when they eat tasty things so some of their enthusiasm must have drooled onto the seats.
"Your car seats are sticky?" Sar, the innocent queried.
"What in blazes were you and the dogs eating? And why were you doing it in my car?"
Oh dear... this conversation could deteriorate.
"It was chilly out and I knew you'd want me to stay warm so I took your car when I went grocery shopping."
"You usually drive Bull's Hummer. Why not today?" the nosy man asked.
Because Cowboy's SUV had a full tank of gas, the Hummer was almost on empty. What a dumb question.
"I'm waiting for an answer, bambina."
Would you believe he crossed his arms over his chest? Tsk.
"Well?"
"Well? Ohhhhh deep subject."
SWAT!
Double tsk.
"You'll never guess what I found out today." I grinned, segueing aimlessly into another subject.
"Still waiting, Sar."
"Spinach is lethal and I have new Cracker Jack prizes for you. Isn't that great news?"
He nodded his head in understanding.
Tsk. It was like one of those toys you see in the back window of a car. Up... down... up... down... meaningless.
"Guess what else is news today?" he added.
"What?" the dumb-dumb side of my brain asked.
"Your tush is mine!"
Good thing I love him but I might just keep those Cracker Jack prizes for myself.
~Sar~
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Hurray! and Green-Eyed Monster!
At last! I've converted and reformatted my website to its new server and as far as I know, all the stories are where they should be - readable. If you're inclined to re-read anything and find errors, please drop me a note so I can fix them. Now, when I have a little time, I'll get back to writing again.
A few things going on here:
Had a birthday a few days ago - it was wonderful! The giant squid took me shopping in the International District and I purchased a lot of lovely threads and fiber for my art. We ate a superbly long lunch at a family owned Chinese restaurant that caters to the Chinese community here and oh boy! They fed us royally! Thought I might have to waddle out of there. I wanted take-out to nibble on later that evening but Cowboy said he wanted me to nibble on something else.
Oy! Don't go there!
Slept on the way home and woke up in my own bed - hmmm... wonder what made me so sleepy. I didn't drink any wine...
"Don't give out any details, Sar."
When I woke up, someone else was doing the nibbling...
SWAT!
Tsk
He bought me a sexy dress to wear for dinner at a supper club where we danced the tango until they threw us out. I didn't have a rose between my teeth. HE DID! And I took pictures! That one might look good on the front page of The Navy Times. There were a few more surprises. All in all, a stupendous birthday celebration.
Of course there was a birthday spanking.
The upside: The man is getting up there in years...
SWAT!
...but he can still spank.
The downside: The man is soooooo o-l-d...
SWAT!
...he forgets how many spanks he's delivered and has to start over! Again and again!
And what's this one to grow on, one to laugh about, one to make sure he got the number right... One for last year in case he forgot one, one for next year in case he loses count... One for that tree climbing episode last week, one for using my razor, one for eating pie and not sharing, one for sassiness, one for the beer you gave to BullyBoy, one for giving my Scotch to the bloodhound, one for...
Tsk!
I'm not the jealous type. I don't think I'm the jealous type. I'm fairly confident about a lot of things and all those good looking, sexy, buff ladies under Cowboy's command don't faze me in the least. Anyone that gets out of hand, whether Navy or Marine... I manage to squash pretty fast.
However... our young friend, Patrick... age 9, going on 16... has a girlfriend! A girlfriend! Her name is Melissa and she answers to Missy. Missy? EGADS! The only Missy I ever knew was someone I met in a spanking chat room who was turned on when big macho hairy ape men whispered words like "whip" "ballgag" and "crop" in her ears. They whispered other words too but I shudder when I think of them.
Back to Patrick: He brought Missy to the house for a visit... She's blonde with shoulder length curls, blue eyes, and wears frilly girly girl dresses with ankle socks that have lace on them and Mary Jane slippers. She's 7, going on "Mata Hari!"
I fed them lunch and while I cleared the dishes away and put dessert in front of them, they had eyes only for each other, and held hands under the table. This was not their best move... BullyBoy never misses an opportunity for food and licked the ice cream off Patrick's plate when the kid wasn't looking.
Cowboy thought the whole thing was cute. I, on the other hand, have serious doubts about this Missy creature. I bet the outside Rotts would eat her if I asked them to. Isn't this boy supposed to be mine until he's 30?
~Sar~
A few things going on here:
Had a birthday a few days ago - it was wonderful! The giant squid took me shopping in the International District and I purchased a lot of lovely threads and fiber for my art. We ate a superbly long lunch at a family owned Chinese restaurant that caters to the Chinese community here and oh boy! They fed us royally! Thought I might have to waddle out of there. I wanted take-out to nibble on later that evening but Cowboy said he wanted me to nibble on something else.
Oy! Don't go there!
Slept on the way home and woke up in my own bed - hmmm... wonder what made me so sleepy. I didn't drink any wine...
"Don't give out any details, Sar."
When I woke up, someone else was doing the nibbling...
SWAT!
Tsk
He bought me a sexy dress to wear for dinner at a supper club where we danced the tango until they threw us out. I didn't have a rose between my teeth. HE DID! And I took pictures! That one might look good on the front page of The Navy Times. There were a few more surprises. All in all, a stupendous birthday celebration.
Of course there was a birthday spanking.
The upside: The man is getting up there in years...
SWAT!
...but he can still spank.
The downside: The man is soooooo o-l-d...
SWAT!
...he forgets how many spanks he's delivered and has to start over! Again and again!
And what's this one to grow on, one to laugh about, one to make sure he got the number right... One for last year in case he forgot one, one for next year in case he loses count... One for that tree climbing episode last week, one for using my razor, one for eating pie and not sharing, one for sassiness, one for the beer you gave to BullyBoy, one for giving my Scotch to the bloodhound, one for...
Tsk!
I'm not the jealous type. I don't think I'm the jealous type. I'm fairly confident about a lot of things and all those good looking, sexy, buff ladies under Cowboy's command don't faze me in the least. Anyone that gets out of hand, whether Navy or Marine... I manage to squash pretty fast.
However... our young friend, Patrick... age 9, going on 16... has a girlfriend! A girlfriend! Her name is Melissa and she answers to Missy. Missy? EGADS! The only Missy I ever knew was someone I met in a spanking chat room who was turned on when big macho hairy ape men whispered words like "whip" "ballgag" and "crop" in her ears. They whispered other words too but I shudder when I think of them.
Back to Patrick: He brought Missy to the house for a visit... She's blonde with shoulder length curls, blue eyes, and wears frilly girly girl dresses with ankle socks that have lace on them and Mary Jane slippers. She's 7, going on "Mata Hari!"
I fed them lunch and while I cleared the dishes away and put dessert in front of them, they had eyes only for each other, and held hands under the table. This was not their best move... BullyBoy never misses an opportunity for food and licked the ice cream off Patrick's plate when the kid wasn't looking.
Cowboy thought the whole thing was cute. I, on the other hand, have serious doubts about this Missy creature. I bet the outside Rotts would eat her if I asked them to. Isn't this boy supposed to be mine until he's 30?
~Sar~
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