Cowboy's Away...

His Holiness is away for a few days. When he left, he admonished me to "behave."

Tsk.

As if I needed reminding. I'm so good it's downright disgusting. On the up side, there isn't a veggie in sight and the pups and I are eating real food - burgers and onion rings and milkshakes and mac and cheese and Twinkies and plenty of chocolate for me, plenty of beer and wine for the pups. The other night, we all got high on our intake of choice and almost passed out on the back deck.

Naturally, that's when the giant squid called to say hello, what are you doing and how come I'm not gonna be happy with the answer.

I don't tolerate obscene or rude phone calls so I hung up on him.

Did you hear him yell? My name, when spoken in a normal conversational tone rhymes with "star" or "far." When spoken softly - as it generally is during loving is more a whisper of desire. However, when roared at an unbelievable volume over the phone lines... sounds more like When I get home, I'm gonna burn your butt!

Double tsk.

This might be a good time for the pups and I to head south. We haven't been down to Oregon in a while and the beach there, in winter, is magnificent - high bluffs, huge winds, nice cozy cabins, and lots of little cafés and shops.

Meanwhile...

I got a jury summons. I don't have to appear until the end of the month and I don't mind doing my patriotic good citizen duty and serving. I live in an unincorporated area so the courthouse is a 2-hour drive away. Commuting 4 hours a day doesn't do a lot for my disposition and I'd be happy to take a motel room just to avoid the traffic but it's in an area I'm unfamiliar with and that makes me a little uncomfortable. So, I'll drive back and forth each day I'm required to be there.

I was summoned to superior court. I have no idea what superior court is - makes one think there must be an "inferior" one below that. Tsk.

I was called for jury duty when we lived in Florida. We lived in the outskirts of Dade County - that's Miami - and that courthouse is on the edge of downtown Miami where parking your car and leaving it for more than 30 seconds insures that all or parts of it will be missing before you can blink an eye.

They herded us into a courtroom after some administrative stuff and the "congratulations! You get to do your civic duty" speech. One by one, an attorney asked us questions. The accused was on trial because while intoxicated, he ran his car over another person who had the gall to die. So the attorney says "do you believe in the death penalty?"

"Hell yes!" I shouted. "Hang the bastard!"

I was dismissed.

I wonder if they would have kept me on if I said, "fry him" instead? Florida has the electric chair, Ol Sparky, I think they call it.

I went back to the common room and read my self-help book, Winning Through Intimidation.

The next case I was interviewed for was rape. They dressed up the accused in really nice clothes and the victim in a pinafore-type dress. It was like watching a really awful "B" movie. If the attorney looked anything like David Niven, I'd have managed to stay alert. The attorney says "if found guilty, what kind of sentence would you consider?"

"Cut off his dangly bits!"

I was dismissed.

Tsk. I really wanted to say cut off his balls but I'm a lady.

Not long after that, the judge in the rape case showed up at the same social function His Holiness and I were attending. When the man saw me, his hand went straight to his crotch! Tsk! Such ungentlemanly behavior.

In a few weeks, I'll let you know how this jury summons went. I did "google" the area around the courthouse and there's a Dairy Queen there. I wonder if one can eat during a trial? I'm bringing plenty of chocolate just in case.

The foster pups are doing great. Oliver, the Mastiff has filled out quite a bit; he likes my beef stew and liver biscuits and he's learned not to sit on me. That's a huge plus since he's the size of a pony.

The Scottish Deerhound - Murdock - is a disgrace to his breed. Bambi and his mom visit the saltlick on the side of the yard regularly. Murdock wants to play with Bambi. It's possible the dog embraces all species but I think he might be a wee bit mentally challenged.

Tuma, the Alaskan Malamute, tries my patience to the limit. He's a prankster and though he's learning to follow both voice and hand signals, he goes deaf and dumb on me whenever the mood strikes. Two nights in a row of kibble cures him for a few days. I may have to sic DomTom, my alpha cat, on him.

Then, there's Archie, the bloodhound. The old fella thinks he's at a spa and lives to be waited on and adored. Both cats adore him. I think the attraction is his ears but whatever it is, both groom him regularly. I reminded him that his nose is vitally important and should be used in a worthwhile manner. He goosed the squid - I considered that very worthwhile.

I think I've mentioned that D.H. Lawrence's lover, Lady Chatterly, lives down the street from me. Her "daddy" is flying in this weekend and she wanted to show me some of her new gladrags. I was happy to see her model them - v-e-r-y sexy stuff. I'm sure her daddy will be thrilled. The male neighbors on either side of her house also got a show; their wives were not so thrilled. Since she moved into the neighborhood, more people own binoculars than ever before.

There's a full moon on the 14th. Traditionally, I dance nude in the backyard to welcome the full moon and especially to celebrate the rites of Spring. I have a very high wooden fence though that doesn't stop my 97-year old neighbor from watching me from his 2nd story window. He has a telescope. Cowboy says Spring doesn't happen till April but I like to practice. With any luck he'll be out of town that night. Otherwise, the dance will be short and/or I'll get warmed up faster than I like when his hand connects with my dancing butt. The man just doesn't appreciate the fine art of dancing. And it's not like I'm completely nude; I wear leg warmers and a long woolen scarf.

~Sar~