Shoot Me Now! Part 1 of 2

BANG!

I was thinking of writing a blow-by-blow account of my medical appointments but I'm not sure if there's a maximum word count law on each individual blog entry. So I'll try to give you the highlights.

1/ I'm fine.
2/ Score:
a/ Sar - 10
b/ Vampires - 1
c/ Docs - 2
d/ Giant Squid - IN THE STRATOSPHERE!

Normally, when I have a doctor's appointment, I try hard to disappear for a few days. The pups and I take the ferry out to the out islands and count orcas, run on the beach, eat mac and cheese and drink milkshakes and I nibble on chocolate while they consume my Twinkies and Cracker Jacks. By the time His Holiness catches up with me, he's already made formal apologies for my failure to show up at the appointment I didn't want in the first place, and made a new appointment. He's also vowed to get to the "bottom" of this "conduct unbecoming" the spouse of an officer, and in general, has uttered threatening noises into his cell phone. I don't why he does this. It's not as if I had been listening. Orca whales and chocolate bars are far more interesting than his threats of retribution, yada yada yada.

However... this time I didn't get to sneak away. He kept his evil eye on me for days... and instead of telling me to get dressed so we could go to the base - I was in a sweater and jeans - he just tossed me over his shoulder! Caveman style! And in an instant we were in the back of a Navy car and he was holding me so I wouldn't fly out the door while the car was in motion and his driver - who I will personally maim - snickered the whole time we were on the road.

I have several rules about the military. Sailors should not laugh when they are spanking their wives. Sailors should not snicker when they are driving. And of course, marines should never chortle... or call me SweetCheeks.

So we get to the base and the first stop we make is in front of the entrance to Vampires R Us! The lab tech comes out to greet us and I swear on all that's holy, the wretch was a dead ringer for Bela Lagosi! I immediately pull a huge silver cross out of my shirt and wave it in front of him. Surprisingly... he steps back. AHA!

Cowboy snorts... "You're not Catholic, Sar."

"It only works for Catholics?" Who knew?

To make a long and unpleasant story shorter, Cowboy sits in the chair meant for me, pulls me down to sit on his lap, wraps his legs around mine so I can't kick, his arms are holding my down and I yell.

"Fire!"

"Pervert!"

"Blood sucker!"

"Does your mother know what you do for a living?"

Whatever it takes...

None of us are surprised that my blood is brownish-red. Cowboy says it's all those tootsie rolls I eat.

When the ordeal is over, I smile sweetly and kick the heathen vampire in the shin. I would have kicked harder and higher but the Navy doesn't pay for "sex reassignment" operations.

Next is the doc. It's a "she" and she's about 5 feet tall and 8 feet wide. "You're in the Navy?" I am incredulous.

"Sure am, sweetie."

Sweetie? Ut-oh.

"The Navy thinks you're fit for combat?"

Well... that was a silly question. She sits on the enemy - they're dead. Of course, she's also a rather large target...

"I'm ready for you," she smiles.

"Great! You get to examine the Admiral first. If he survives, I'll let you examine me."

Cowboy objects. LOL!

The doc from the Planet Sappho smiles and says to jump up on the table, sweet thing, and we'll get this over with.

"Touch me and die!"

She's says she's highly insulted and leaves to get another doctor. Pardon me while I yawn.

Here comes Doc # 2.

"Ha ha," he laughs. "That was a civilian contract worker. We dressed her up just to scare you."

"Really? Gosh... I hope *you* don't scare easily."

"Sarrrr!"

Tsk.

Okay, this is the end of part 1. Will post the rest shortly.