Me & Rodney Dangerfield

Every year we have a Halloween party for adults. People in our neighborhood are invited as well as friends who live in other neighborhoods... no children at this affair. I put a doggie gate at the foot of the stairs and another at the top of the stairs so no one wanders through our bedrooms. The pups are behind the upstairs gate, which is a deterrent in itself.

SweetPea wouldn't mind mingling - the Rott likes to snoop in women's purses and steal tissues, keys, pocket calculators, etc. (We have a lost & found basket of things the pup has appropriated.)

"Sar, have you seen my keys?" MsHairUpHerAss asks whenever she leaves her purse in an accessible place... on the floor by the couch.

"Look in SweetPea's basket."

"Ohhhhh, there they are."

BullyBoy is generally distraught we're eating and drinking without him. If he hears someone open a beer can, he howls. I have tried to tell him Bull Mastiffs don't howl. Hounds howl, but he ignores me and howls/yodels anyway. Beer is sacred to him and Hell hath no fury like a 160 lb puppy upset that someone has chug-a-lugged one of his beers. Revenge is ugly. He'll slime you if he catches you.

"Sar, your dog drooled on my shoes!"

"Give him your beer and he'll leave you alone."

"How many has he had tonight?"

"Is he burping yet?"

I live in a nuthouse.

Everyone was told to come in costume.

"Are you going to be a pirate again, this year?" I asked the giant squid.

"Aye, me pretty," he arches a suggestive brow.

Tsk. I think he's too o-l-d to be swash buckling.

"What are you going to be? A fairy princess?"

A fairy princess? Puleeeeeeze!

"I'm going as a Ninja!"

"No, you're not," the Neanderthal said matter-of-factly like that was the end of the conversation.

"Of course, I am! David bought me one of those fancy schmancy swords and I've been practicing."

"I'm gonna kill that marine," the tall guy I live with grumbled. "And what in blazes were you going to slice with that sword?"

Anyone who has the nerve to eat my Butterfingers.

SWAT!

Tsk. Apparently, would-be pirates are also telepathic.

"We could have a sword fight," I tell him. "Pirates have swords or sabers or some such nonsense. I bet I'm better at it than you are."

SWAT!

Sheesh!

So-o-o we had our Halloween party. I went as a Ninja and that's only because I waited till Cowboy was downstairs greeting guests before I got dressed. That sword was tucked into a thingamajig at my waist. Whoa Nellie! That thing was heavy. Thought my pants would fall down. Cowboy thought they would too so he stayed near me in case he had to pull them back up.

No respect!

The party was a huge success. Periodically, BullyBoy let out a howl... Every time I saw someone reach for my Butterfingers, I arched a brow and put a hand on the sword... And... every time I did that, the pirate behind me growled a dire threat in my ears... something about ninja pants and warm tushes and "when I get my hands on you."

Tsk.

Everybody, including me, ate a lot of chocolate... candy, cupcakes, cake, and candy corn, tootsie rolls, taffy, chocolate covered this and that and drank a little wine. I was feeling a little queasy by the time the party was over but I'm sure it had nothing to do with what I ate. More than likely, it was watching all that CHOCOLATE being consumed by OTHER PEOPLE! It took huge restraint on my part not to howl like BullyBoy every time someone popped a chocolate treat in their mouths.

I HATE TO SHARE!

SWAT!

When it was over, BullyBoy immediately stuck his nose in the garbage to count the empty beer cans. He howled.

SweetPea chewed the candy corn that was left in a bowl on the coffee table and slimed the cats with it. (They'll be washing all night.)

I couldn't bear to look at the MOUNTAIN of candy wrappers next to the beer cans.

I bumped the pirate with the edge of my sword as we carried empty platters back into the kitchen and he remembered I was a ninja instead of a fairy princess and his couth-less-ness erupted faster than a surface-to-air missile.

Suddenly I was touching the ceiling when he yanked me up over his shoulder.

The man is a pagan. (Of course I mean that in a nice way.)

The ninja pants came down way too easily - sword dispatched to the floor - the pirate's hand descended at about the speed of Mach 5 and I yelled obscenities.

"Lily livered squid!"

SWAT!

"Shark bait!"

SWAT!

"Sissy sailor!"

SWAT!

"No more peach cobbler till you apologize!"

"No peach cobbler?" His hand paused. "I apologize."

SWAT!

Tsk. No respect.

~Sar~

P.S. After the party, we had a different kind of party. The pirate was very happy with his ninja girl.