Sainthood!

It is a little known fact that dentists are descended from vampires. They hide their smiles behind the whitest and brightest set of teeth, so bright it blinds you to the fact that their canine teeth a.k.a. fangs, are actually longer than what one expects to see in a person who goes about during daylight hours.

"You're going in for a checkup whether you like it or not," the Neanderthal I live with announced as he took the tin of peanut brittle out of my hand. "And you're not going in with a mouthful of peanut brittle. Are we clear on this?"

"Yeah, yeah."

SWAT!

Tsk. I'm going in with a mouthful of saltwater taffy.

Ya ever notice how dentists like to use needles? Blood suckers are fond of needles. They shoot up your gums with what they call painkillers but what they're really doing is numbing you to the point that you have no clue as to what they're doing in your mouth. Vampires do this by nipping some vein or other in the side of your neck and when you're numb, they DRINK YOUR BLOOD!

"And don't call the dentist Dracula when you're in the dental chair. Last time you did that, the man requested transfer to a hospital ship in the middle of the Persian Gulf."

Tsk. There was an opening in Okinawa; he could have gone there and I won't call him Dracula. I'm thinking more along the lines of referring to him as the master of darkness.

SWAT!

Tsk.

So we get to the Navy base and the dental office and there is no one else in the waiting area except me and the giant squid. The dental assistant comes out to get me and I scan the area to see if there is more than one escape exit. Cowboy is standing in front of the door we came through. His arms are folded across his chest and he arches a brow at me and nods toward the dental assistant and the hall leading to the place of DOOM! I slip a couple pieces of taffy into my mouth and grudgingly follow the vampire drone.

"How are we today?" the dentist asks as I reluctantly sit in that stupid chair with the dohicky at the top to rest my head against.

Oh boy! This one's a citrus beverage.

"So you're the Admiral's wife," he says with a very white and bright toothy smile.

Gee! What was his clue? The fact that the giant squid is wearing summer whites and his admiral's stars are on his shoulders? The elaborate braid on his cover?

"I see you haven't had a checkup in a while. Glad you made the appointment."

I didn't make the appointment. Cowboy's yeoman made the appointment and I definitely misjudged the young man. His loyalty is supposed to be to ME and not to his commanding officer! I'll get my revenge at Christmas...

"Okay, open wide. Let's take a look," the dentist, still fearless and clueless, says with that toothy smile.

"I bite," I inform him.

"Ha ha," the man - still standing - replies. "Should I be afraid of you?" he asks.

"Very."

"You wouldn't hurt me, would you?" He's almost giddy. I think it's the smile thing. Those fangs must release laughing gas.

"Yes, I would."

"We can do this easy. Let me take a look and some x-rays and you'll be on your way. Small children aren't afraid of me," he assures me.

"Small children are more trusting than I am."

"I promise not to hurt you."

"Hurt me and I'll hurt you back."

"SAR!"

Jeez. The squid has Superman's hearing.

"You know," he pauses as he pokes around in my mouth with a mirror thing and a sterile version of an ice pick. "Ahh..." he sighs as he takes note of my taffy coated teeth. "I've heard stories about you."

"They're all true," I admit as I pull his hand out of my mouth.

"Now, now," he says. "You look too nice to act like that. I'm here to make sure you have healthy teeth and gums and nothing more. I bet you're really all bark and no bite."

This said with that white and bright toothy smile. From where I'm sitting, his canine teeth look extra large and long. He must be a mutant strain of vampire to be able to work in daylight. "Okay, that's enough," I announce and get out of that chair.

"Where are you going?" he asks, as perplexed as a cactus that lost its thorns.

"Home."

"Where are you going, imp?" my husband glares as he walks in the room.

We pause here to reminisce...

Once, when Cowboy was at sea, I woke up with a horrendous toothache. We were living in Virginia then and our friend David was on liberty and he had just bought a condo not too far from us. I called him and told him I needed to go to the dentist and could he take me? I was in too much pain to drive.

David, a senior ranked officer in the Marine Corps has sworn to protect the constitution of the United States and all that other stuff. While he drove me to the dentist, he warned me that he'd spank me if I didn't behave.

"Yeah, yeah, like that's gonna happen. Cowboy will dismember you if you do."

He rolled his eyes. What is it with that eye rolling bit? Am I supposed to be impressed? It's like convicted felons or protesters announcing they're going on a food strike if authorities don't do such and so. Am I supposed to care if they starve themselves on purpose? GO FOR IT!

Where was I? Oh... I had an abscessed tooth and needed a root canal. David came into the exam room with me and told the dentist to make sure I experienced zero pain or else. The dentist asked if he was in the room to protect me.

"Nope. I'm here to protect you."

Tsk.

So...

When Cowboy came into the room as I was attempting to leave, he wasted no time manhandling me back into the dental chair.

"Behave!"

I thought I *was* behaving. My behavior was typical me. If I had been misbehaving, I wouldn't have made a fuss. Tsk.

"Taffy?" he said when he peeked into my mouth over the dentist's shoulder.

I kept my eyes shut. I was afraid the glare from the squid's eyes combined with the dentist's white and bright toothy smile was gonna blind me for all time.

"I think we'll need to discuss this when we get home," the Neanderthal announced.

"Her teeth look good," the dentist said as my elbow was aimed toward his gut.

"Amazing," Cowboy shook his head. "The crap she eats should have rotted them all out by now."

I AM A SAINT! I didn't say a word.

But... I went back to the dentist's office at a later date and left several boxes of saltwater taffy in the waiting area and I'm not making peach cobbler for Cowboy till he apologizes for warming my butt.

~Sar~