Monsters

Had a really bad dream the other night - nightmare level. It was a dream I had over and over when I was a kid - monsters under the bed kinda dream. The thing about monsters under the bed is that you don't know what they look like but they have long hairy arms and big hairy paw-like hands that can grab your ankles if you get up in the middle of the night and sit on the side of the bed. They get a hold of your ankles and pull you under the bed and nobody ever sees you again.

Soooo I wake up thinking bathroom break and a middle of the night snack are in order. I sit up and slide over to the side of the bed opposite from where the giant squid is sleeping. I put my feet on the floor and suddenly remember the monsters and leap back into bed before they grab me. Multiple monsters = multiple hairy paw-like hands grabbing at my ankles.

The Neanderthal I share a bed with wants to know what the problem is. I tell him and he laughs. He laughs! I'm about to wet my pants and he's laughing.

I tell him he has to pick me up and set me down several feet from the bed.

He's still laughing.

"This is not funny. If you don't pick me up I'm going to have to jump out of bed far enough so that the monsters don't get me. I could break a leg."

"What do you do if you have that nightmare when I'm out of town?"

"The dogs sleep in the bedroom. Dogs = no monsters."

"You aren't worried the monsters will grab *my* ankles?" Mr. Smarty Pants asks.

"Oh puleeze! Monsters don't want to eat giant squids. Everybody knows they want tasty females."

"What do I get for doing this?"

"You get a wet bed if you don't!"

Tsk. I got a swat and then he picked me up and set me down in front of the bathroom door. I thought about leaping onto the bed after I had my snack but the giant squid did one of those over-the-shoulder holds and took me downstairs so he could have a snack too. Unfortunately, he was out of couth and he swatted me the whole way down the stairs.

The dogs woke up and went on immediate "food alert" so I gave them snacks, too.

SWAT!

"Don't feed the dogs in the middle of the night, bambina."

Tsk

When we went back upstairs, SweetPea blustered his way into the bedroom and immediately stuck his nose under the bed!

I knew it! Something was under my bed!

Cowboy deposited me in the middle of the bed and got down on his hands and knees and looked under it with a flashlight. I told him how brave he was but then I remembered he was a Seal and a fearsome warrior.

He snorted when I said that and he was on his hands and knees and his butt was accessible... I couldn't let that opportunity go by... so I goosed him.

SWAT!

Miss Emmy, the cat, came out from under the bed and hissed and spit at Cowboy. He picked her up by the scruff of her neck and put her on the other side of the bedroom door.

I've thought about hissing and spitting at him myself a time or two. I have a feeling it wouldn't be my neck that would be in jeopardy.

"See! No monsters," he said when he got back in bed.

Miss Emmy isn't a monster but she *is* an ankle grabber.

"You saved me," I told him and hugged him tight. "But just in case... the monsters' arms come sneaking out from under the bed and poke around looking for me, I'm going to sleep on top of you tonight."

"Bambina, you only sleep on top of me when your tush is too sore for you to sleep on your back."

"I'm making an exception," I told him sweetly.

"I veto the exception," the Neanderthal said much too calmly and gave me a couple of really hard swats.

Tsk

"Okay, not sleeping on top of you, you big lug. But if the monsters get me, there's no sex for you ever again! No peach cobbler, either," I added.

He pulled me on top of him and I slept there all night.

~Sar~