Mata Hari, Jerks R Us and Turtles

Before I give my version of the sordid affair... let me just say that I truly am a lady. It just about killed me but I didn't murder or maim someone who really truly deserved maiming and then DEATH!

"You're overreacting, bambina." Guess who said that.

Cast of Characters:
The Giant Squid - Innocent Sar - Interloper, female, Mati Hari reincarnated.

Scene: We're still at David's house. He's still away. I'm sitting on the deck with the pups, brushing Archie the ancient bloodhound who is making kinky noises through his nose because he knows there's a Twinkie in my pocket with his name on it. I look up when all three Rotts get to their feet and give the "someone's coming and I don't know who" stare. BullyBoy snores through it because he's still feeling sorry for himself that he's on the wagon.

"Hi!" Miss Perky yells as she approaches the deck from the ocean side... (which means she walked alll around the house. Hmmm. A peeping Thomasina?)

"I'm Lt. SassyPants." (I gave her that name. Her mama probably named her Athena or some other gawd awful Mt. Olympus moniker.) "You must be the little woman."

Excuse me while I gag.

"Is the Admiral home?" she asks, batting her eyelashes which is a move that is completely lost on me as well as the Rotts who realize she has NO food in her pockets.

"No," I say in all honesty because Cowboy and I are not at home. We're at David's house.

"Oh," Miss Little Disappointment pouts. "And I came all this way to see him."

"I'll tell him you were here."

"Hello, what are you doing here, Lieutenant?" the Neanderthal asks as he comes to the door and steps all over my lines.

"Oh Admiral!" Mati Hari gushes as she bats her eyelashes so rapidly it makes me think this is a commercial for eye drops.

"I was in the area and thought I'd just drop in and say hi," Miss No-Sense-of-Geography-or-Protocol improvises. "You... um... look so different in mufti." (mufti = civilian dress) Gushing smiles and more eyelash batting follows.

She was just in the area? She knows where David lives? Hmmm... very interesting. I could have sworn he was attracted to bimbos and floozies, not lieutenants in the Navy. Will keep this scuttlebutt to myself in case I need it for ammunition at a later date.

Lt. SassyPants cannot take her eyes off the giant squid who just finished a 90-minute workout and is attired in a sleeveless cut-off T-shirt and running shorts...

I'm thinking I should offer our unexpected guest some libation and a snack. How does fresh squeezed grass root sound? Maybe a side of Brussels Sprouts and fiddleheads to fill her up?

"You were in the area, Lieutenant?" Cowboy's voice of command - which means this visit has him irritated - makes the pups get closer to me in case I need protection, but his words are directed at the idiot who has invaded his personal life without justification. So I just smiled.

The woman stammers a response and because I'm such a supportive spouse, I assured her that her visit was just fine. "You're the third or fourth lady to visit us this week," I tell her. "My husband's female subordinates just can't get enough of him."

"Sar..." This is said sotto voce but I heard it. Oh well, living dangerously isn't exactly news around here.

Unfortunately, she left before I could inflict any real damage. I thought about sic-ing Tank on her but the big pup had already eaten his main meal.

***
On a story site I frequent, someone posted a story about a gal who snowboards dangerously. The "hero" doesn't know her but on their first date he spanks her, then applies his belt numerous times. Obviously he passed a graduate course in I'm A Disgusting Jerk and is an honorary member of Creatures that Need a Tune-up on Courtship Behavior.

There should be warnings posted on stories like that. I need Twinkies to fortify me before I'm subjected to sheer stupidity. It was well written but gimme a break. As soon as I read the romantic story - NOT - I yelled FUNGOOCH! Cut off his balls!

As usual my timing was impeccable. Just as soon as I mentioned castration, Cowboy walked into the room. Not the most perfect statement I ever made in his presence...

"Lunch?" I asked, figuring lack of food was a good explanation for my outburst. Don't want to give him ideas about paddles, belts etc. He doesn't really need any incentive...

We had a HUGE lunch which really wore me out so when everything was put away, I had a snack to recuperate. I was so energized... how energized were you? VERY. I attacked the giant squid and it was a lovely afternoon.

***
Tank, my inquisitive Rott, likes to scout the beach just ahead of the rest of us while we're jogging. Cowboy had paperwork to attend to so all 5 dogs and I went for a run. I look up and realize Tank is running in the sand dunes instead of on the beach and I call him to me. He looks up, stays where he is and barks a "Look what I found!"

We meander over and see a fairly large turtle at his feet. Large, of course, is a relative term but in this case, we're not talking turtle tank size. This behemoth - on the bathroom scale - weighed in at 11 lbs.

Oh my, I thought. What a great present for David...

Tank pushes and drags turtle home. I help it up the steps to the deck. It is hiding in its shell house of course but that doesn't deter me or Tank.

I immediately named it Ashley. Cowboy sees it and immediately renames it "Get Rid Of It!"

I wanted to call it Ashley Yertle Myrtle Turtle the Third but was informed by a 9-year old friend that Myrtle is very ordinary and Yertle is "soooo yesterday..." so it's just Ashley.

Cowboy, the spoilsport emails David that there's a giant turtle living on his deck. David emails back "GOOD GOD!"

I informed Ashley that GOOD GOD was a much nicer name than GET RID OF IT!

So far, the ancient creature has eaten allll the green uglies in the fridge as well as two Twinkies. The cats are taking turns sleeping on top of her shell house and BullyBoy, who is the official greeter, licked her face to welcome her to our nuthouse. Ashley retreated into her shell and hasn't been seen since. Probably his beer breath...

Cowboy had to fly east for a few days. The downside is that I miss him like crazy but the upside is that the pups and I get to eat real food while he's away and stay up all night to play on the computer.

"I expect you to eat right and get plenty of rest while I'm gone, bambina."

"Uh huh."

"I mean it, Sar. And no 10-mile runs while I'm away."

"Uh huh."

SWAT!

Tsk.

The pups and I waved bye-bye and went for a run... Then we had a mac & cheese orgy... Then we took a nap. Okay - I got the nap part right.

~Sar~