Not My Fault!

December is a particularly hard month for some of us. I don't mean the holiday stress - planning, shopping, baking, entertaining, et al. I mean the "being good" stuff. Just how much of this "good" stuff are we supposed to endure?

Between you and me I have totally outgooded myself. I'm not sure I can remain civil if one more hostess offers me a "green" tidbit to sample.

"Ohhhhhh Sar, these are delicious and so good for you!"

If they're *that* good, I'll share. She can have mine.

"Cowboy would love for you to sample these," another hostess smiled as she waved a tray of unidentified green uglies under my nose. Her smile was evil.

"Cowboy is a big boy; he can tell me himself."

"SAR!"

Jeez!

"You're serving a veggie platter with dip at our cocktail party, aren't you imp?" the Neanderthal wanted to know.

"Of course I am, dear."

How in blazes would I get rid of all those veggies otherwise?

On a "goodness" streak, I donated a lot of old clothes to various agencies - mostly Cowboy's. I mean... how many belts does one man need?

"Where the hell is my navy belt?"

"I bought you some suspenders, dear."

SWAT!

Tsk.

I cleaned out the produce drawer and generously donated the green goodies to the food bank.

"How about broccoli with dinner tonight?" Guess who said that.

"The grocery store was alllll out of broccoli, dear."

SWAT!

Tsk.

A couple of weeks ago we had a rare snowstorm - got about 10 inches of the white stuff piled up. Naturally I made anatomically correct snow people in the front yard so the neighbors would be entertained as they drove by. I placed one of Cowboy's Navy covers (hat) on Mr. Snow Man along with one of his ties. Mrs. Snow Woman got one of my scarves and my pink leg warmers. Truly, a very lovely couple, very modern, too. "She" had implants and a Brazilian cut.

"Why the hell did you use one of my covers on that naked snow man?"

Tsk. He sounded irate.

"Snow men are supposed to wear a hat and a scarf and mittens," he continued. "They are not supposed to be nudists. And if you made her boobs any bigger, she'd fall over."

"I should have used a thicker longer carrot for the yummy stick?"

SWAT!

Tsk.

I took photos of course and wanted to use them for our Christmas cards. The giant squid vetoed that idea. I don't know why; the dangling bits were all lovingly formed. Hmmm... maybe I should have used a celery stalk instead of a carrot? Nooooo... celery has all that wavy stuff on the sides and at the end. An erect celery stalk wouldn't have worked. Of course... an orange yummy stick makes you think Mr. Snow Man is coming down with jaundice.

The squid was really relieved that the snow people melted so quickly but I have a sneaky feeling he used my hair dryer to help it along.

And I was on such a "good" streak, too. Double tsk.

All the stress of being good finally got to me. I know. I know. You thought I was an angel alllll the time. I confess. Sometimes, I'm just slightly less angelic.

What happened was...

Ms. HairUpHerAss came over with her inedible fruitcake. She brings one every year. Every year the pups sniff it and go hide so I don't force them to take a bite. This year... DomTom the cat... was encouraged to help himself to the giant squid's glass of Baileys... and then was encouraged to eat the leftover sushi sitting on the kitchen counter. A little Baileys, a little sushi, a little Baileys...

When Ms. HairUpHerAss unwrapped the fruitcake so we could all admire the perfectly formed and inedible don't-drop-it-on-your-foot door stopper, DomTom leaped to the table (which he never does) and hurled a GIANT hair ball right on TOP of the fruitcake.

"SAR!"

Jeez! I didn't hurl the hair ball.

Ms. HairUpHerAss was a bit miffed but I consoled her with one of my chocolate lime pies. I must reward that cat with fresh catnip.

As she waddled back to her house, Cowboy said, "Well at least you didn't call her Ms. HairUpHerAss to her face."

Honestly... she way she walks... she looks more and more like Ms. CornCobUpHerButt.

~Sar~