Neanderthals Anonymous

My Internet name is Cowboy and I'm a Neanderthal.

My birth name isn't Cowboy. I hail from the great state of Texas and some of my friends call me Cowboy. That's ok. Cowboy is a lot better than the names I was called when I was at the academy and a green midshipman. You think that's bad you should hear what they call the wannabe marines.

When a man is in the "doghouse" with his wife, it's supposed to be a bad thing. I'm never in the doghouse. Our doghouses aren't bad places to be. We have 10 kennels for dogs we foster and every last one of them is a decent place to live - if you're a dog. All the kennels are a good size. They have enclosed shelters and open runs. Sar put comfortable beds in all of them. She made covers for the beds with zippers so she can take them off and wash them which she does regularly - a couple at a time. The kennels have radiant heat and cooling fans in the back wall. Water is dispensed automatically to a built in concrete trough. I know all this because she badgered me into installing everything.

I mentioned that if we ever move we'll just leave everything for the next owner. Sar said if we move we take everything with us because she doesn't want to build new kennels from scratch. SHE doesn't want to build new kennels from scratch? I wasn't going to build new ones. I was going to hire someone to do that.

So I'm a Neanderthal.

Next topic:
One of my former commanding officers is retired now and out here on the West Coast vacationing with his family. His adult daughter is a "vegan." This must be a new trend cause there seems to be a lot of that going round. I warned Sar not to wave bloody meat around when they were in the house.

I should have kept my mouth shut.

The "butcher" delivered half a cow while they were here and naturally, my wife made a point of checking all the cuts of meat to make sure there was enough bloody meat to last us a while. Then she had a long conversation with the guy about veal and lamb and fresh chickens and turkeys and so help me God, if company wasn't in the house I would have upended her on the spot.

You're damn right I'm a Neanderthal!

The young woman eats eggs and cheese so I think this means she's a vegan some of the time. Not sure. Sar asked if she ate fish. No. What about chocolate she says. Yes. Too bad Sar says. Why? I won't go into all of that. Anyone who knows Sar knows she doesn't share chocolate. But she shared a box of Twinkies and now that this woman has been "Twinkie converted" Sar will probably wave Twinkies in front of her until she begs for a steak. Didn't take her long to convert the woman. I'm telling you. Sar needs to work with our anti-terrorist organizations. And as soon as our company left I lit a small fire on her tush.

Did I mention I'm a Neanderthal?

And I've been informed I need a food taster.

More on vegans:
The young woman left a list of good foods to eat and foods to avoid if Sar wanted to lead a more healthy life style. That was a quote.

My wife? Healthy life style? Uh huh.

I told her she really needs to read the lists. She reads the lists. Then she takes the list and calls all her dogs onto the back deck. Lights a fire in the outdoor grill. Burns the lists along with some leftover string beans and hums what sounds like a mantra. Her dogs - co-conspirators - hum-growl-mutter along with her. I deliver a smack to her butt. The dogs growl at me. Sar laughs. I smack again and tell her she's not gonna sit for a while if she keeps up this nonsense.

Not wanting to let the fire go to waste Sar grills a bunch of that bloody meat. Did I get any? No. Before I can enjoy a bite the dogs get most of it. Waiting for an apology she says. Apology? I may be a Neanderthal but I'm also in charge. I think.

Ok - no hate mail please. I love this woman.

I ask what do I have to do to stop being a Neanderthal. New DNA Sar says. I give her a good swat and steal the meat on her plate.

My name is Cowboy and I'm a Neanderthal.

Cowboy